Well, let’s hope the children are OK and everyone else is dead.

Sadly, he had no idea what to do when he reached third base

They’re going to give a dollar back for every ticket purchased over the next 1000 years

(Thankfully, the legislation is being temporarily blocked by a little-known provision of Michigan law stating that bills may not be considered by the Michigan Senate or House of Representatives if submitted in Comic Sans)

Wait, the punishment is not being allowed *in* Levi’s Stadium? You sure you heard him right?

Trainer: What’s your name?

Well, looks like it’s time to reset the “Days Since We Shit on the MLS” incident counter.

This continues to be an awful story, and there’s no opportunity for a sandwich themed pun thread here, so here’s a gif of Rip Taylor instead:

Most Hoosiers are prepared to take a shot Upstairs.

I am a son, brother, husband, and father to the women and girls in my life

Talking head? Shit, we have actual judges saying that stuff now.

The ceremony will be held in the parking lot so everyone will have to look the other way.

America truly is a great country. The Deadspin staff’s new ambition is for Tomi Lahren to disembowel us.

Aww fuck, who got Ann Coulter wet?

Because when you want hard-hitting perspective about how the world really works, you go to a 24 year old blond who's putting together an audition reel for a sweet FoxNews gig.

It would likely be proof that we are, in fact, living in a simulated virtual reality.

Charlotte.‏@charlotteirene8

Yes, they said it was a complete tear.

Great. Another African-American quarterback that won’t be standing during the national anthem.

This made me collapse laughing.