Saurdong

According to the affidavit, the student asked for sex acts to match the number on his jersey.

"UNLESS YOU'VE GOT POW-UHHHHH!"

Not surprising. Everyone knows that Susan G. Komen is crooked.

"The even-keeled Cutler frequently comes across as disengaged,"

"I don't see any." — John Rocker

She's entering Jennifer Lawrence hotness levels. Expect nude photo leaks soon.

Because I didn't tell you to go fuck yourself while shopping for beer at my bodega?

It can't possibly be marked - look at all the people passing him!

Into my brother's mini-baseball helmet ice cream sundae.

+AC/DC'd

Finally, some(dog) unseated the USC Song Girl from her throne.

Yes, Will Will's will WILL will Will Will, willingly, there again.

Hmm. I AM surprised that all the softball alumni aren't scissoring each other on the turf.

I've already hired ZZ Top to show up at her arraignment.

To their dismay, Ferguson police discovered that they had either arrested or shot all the Latinos in the community, thus rendering Officer Wilson's Spanish-dubbed dashcam moot.

It's a shame these guys don't wear helmets. It could delay their CTE by at least a few years.

I wish every MLS team would ask "what would it look like if we took three random bros that just tried to tear down the goalposts at [respective collegiate stadium in city] and make them look fucking badass through the use of hard hats and MS Photo Editor?"

"He looks right in the camera, proudly, and says, 'That's right! If they'd be working, we wouldn't have this problem!'"

Immediately, after the game, Detroit Police outfitted their entire staff, particularly those patrolling the east side of the city, with green laser pointers.