In much more upbeat news, it looks like I’ve been upgraded from a “sleazy blog rumor” to “sources say they are talking about it.” So good news, I may not have to return the Sealy Posturepedic mattress I had put in here last week.

While trapped down here in the fetus of an internationally famous pop star, waiting to determine if I am actually real or just a rumor cooked up for publicity, I watched Midnight Special. It is indeed an amazing film. If you trust recommendations from fetuses, you should definitely check it out!

I AM ANGRY AT THE CHOICES OF OTHERS. EVERYONE THAT LIKES A THING I DO NOT LIKE IS LITERALLY KILLING ME.

I also like how the Cumberbatches just sit there like well-mannered British people pretending they are not aware of anything tense or embarrassing going on next to them. Bradley could literally fart a giant green Unicorn out of his ass and the Batches would just sit there with restrained smiles, gently clapping after…

You know who had a good gig? That Cumberbatchbabyfetus. I heard when he was in utero he got a daily delivery of Blue Apron—and none of that organic vegan non-GMO blah blah blah crap either. My friend who is this fetus that once moonlighted as the possible baby of Jennifer Aniston said the Cumberbatchbabyfetus also got…

“I was very tanned that summer...”

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL. SO REAL.

Did People Magazine get bought out by the Amish? I can’t figure out what the “NSFW OMG SO SHOCKING HOLD YOUR BABIES EARS AND CRY FOR JESUS” phrase is that Kate’s “anti-paparazzi” shirt reads. Maybe I missed it in the link because I clicked off pretty quick because my poor unformed celebrity fetus brain can only handle…

We are married now because my first thought was exactly “They put out a new Liz Taylor scent?”

That’s not fair; what about that pamphlet I sent you about how the vitamin juicer program. It is highly guaranteed by scientists who were fired by a college in Miami Beach. See how it works is you take all the vitamins they sell you and put them in the special patented Super Vitamin Juice Maker and then you pulverize…

NO JOKES ALLOWED. EVERYTHING IS REAL.

HALP ME I AM SO CONSTERNATED BY THIS OFF-HANDED TWEET JOKE MADE BY A CELEBRITY ON TWITTER. I DO NOT THINK IT IS FUNNY AND IT MAY ALSO HAVE GIVEN ME ZIKA OR SOMETHING.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. “Fake?” This is all “fake?” What the holy hell.

Man, some of you have some really weird opinions about pee. Right now I’m sort of hoping the rumors about Hiddleswift being entirely fake and staged are true because I am wary of being born into a world with you bunch of weirdos.

Yeah well yesterday I was cc’d on an email that included “Taymerica”as one of my potential names Taylor is currently “pretty into.” How the shit do you think I feel right now? It’s apparently running third behind “Boysenberry” and “Mason Jared.” I’m just so fucked, you guys. :(

I am bound by an Non-disclosure agreement to not reveal my exact age or the date of my conception. I would totally tell you more (you seem like a groovy cat!) but if you’ve ever seen 13 lawyers crammed into the uterus of a multi-platinum selling pop star just so they could remind you of the “severe financial…

You’d be surprised at how good an education you can get in a celebrity womb if you have a good wifi connection!

My question for everyone is, do you think Taylor Swift will let me get a cat here in her womb? I mean, she is a cat lady person, right? I am going to ask the publicist who preps me on handling press inquiries from journalists and fashion bloggers if it’s cool if I get a cat. It is fucking lonely in here. I’d really…

Yeah I know I’m just a fetus but I am trying to expand my mind in here, especially when the wifi works. I am also taking an online course in craft beer pairings with deli meats. I think I could parlay that into a good job at Whole Foods if this “baby of a celebrity couple” thing goes sideways. I’m thinking about my…

Actually, let me correct you with some facts that I definitely did not make up or anything. The British people accent was originally sounded like what dinosaurs sound like when they talk but when the Tri-Lateral Commission took over the throne in 1816, they made a treaty with the Lizard People and all the British…

I have so much inside info from this party, or at least as much as you can gather from being tried inside a pop star’s womb. Taylor at a corner of a watermelon rind and complained that it was “too spicy” and then spent 20 minutes smelling someone’s shrimp barbecue skewer. She then said she felt “stuffed.” I heard a…