According to the publicist who I have to meet with four times a week here in her womb, it’s not official yet until she releases a sonogram of me on her Instagram. Also, that publicists wears way Estee Lauder Beautiful. Like, I get it, you have a Macy’s card, lady.

Hello Lauren, I was wondering if you could do me a favor with your journalism connections and get in touch with Taylor Swift. I am currently in her womb and if you could just ask her to knock it the hell off with the fucking acai bowls and green tea smoothies for breakfast? How about some chicken fried steak or hash…

Well at least somebody is entertained. I just watched another rerun of
“Anger Management” on FX. Who keeps convincing Hollywood that Charlie Sheen has talent? But hey, it was either that or a Cameron Diaz movie. I’m comfortable with my choice.

Hello if anyone is around and reading this I am bored to shit in the womb of Taylor Swift waiting to be birthed. The wifi was down all day yesterday and the only thing to keep me entertained was a conversation Taylor and Tom were having about their favorite shade of beige. (Spoiler Alert, they both tenuously agreed on…

It was totally real. At least that’s what the press release said that I got. They faxed it to me yesterday here in her womb. Can you fucking believe I have a fax machine here yet nobody can give me a straight answer about when my Keurig is getting here? I have Amazon Prime, I should not have to put up with this…

Oh I remember this day. She ate dry toast. I asked for one of those cheesey Taco Bell breakfast Crunchwrap things with extra hashbrowns but no I guess we’re doing toast. Fucking toast, man. I cannot wait to be born and be done with this.

Also, if anyone here has a password for HBO Now, I just got it up and running on…

Well I do have an iPod Nano but no one gave me the password for the Apple/iTunes account. And there’s no Apple TV down here, but I did have an old Roku I got for sale on Fetuslist. I’m hoping they will set me up with some more shit because it’s getting boring as hell in here. I also weirdly have about 30 US Weeklies…

I think Suki means Conover and the commenter means the Mother Jones dude.

Hello it is my understanding that you are the official head of the unofficial Taylor Swift Jezebel dot com fan club. I am the rumored baby of Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift and I am living in her womb right now. If you could please add me to your newsletter mailing list, that would be nice. There is really not much…

Hello Mr. Bobby Finger sir, I am the zygote of the rumored Hiddleswift baby and I am commenting from inside the womb of my mom Taylor Swift. If you would give me a follow for the website Jezebel dot com I will gladly give you updates on the status of my gestation as it complies with the NDA I signed before…

I cannot confirm or deny when I was conceived because that fact was included in the NDA I signed immediately after fertilization. I think I am allowed to describe the lovely gifts I have received from the many sponsors of this pregnancy, so if you have questions about this new CoverGirl foundation or this lovely…

Hello, I am the zygote of the Hiddleswift baby and I can 100% confirm that this rumor is in fact very true. I am the baby of Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift and I am living in Taylor’s womb right now. This is where her publicist has asked me to stay for now. I must say, it is quite comfortable in here. Much of the…