You want Kroenke to go from being worth $8.3 billion to $8.28 billion simply for the sake of having a more competitive team? You’re a goddamn communist.

now all i want is Bartolo coming out to his next start smoking a comically large cigar

Can someone explain to what the logic behind his contention that they “should” have lower crime rates?

The dark kit is a bit understated: you can wear it in public and people wouldn’t think much of it, and those in the know will understand you’re rooting for Croatia.

I gotta admit, their dark kit is pretty sharp. 

Some might consider the 1998 version the peak of the form, and they’ve changed bit by bit since then.

Pictured: me

Based on my understanding of Eastern European emergency response, all the guys that left are going to be really upset they missed the end of the game just so they could lose Jason Bourne in a crowd again.

Alternate headline: “Dipshit picks fight with pro athlete, loses.”

Just so we’re all on the same page, everyone does realize the end of his Colonel Sanders point is, “...and he never got backlash because he serves fried chicken”, right?

Loose-loose is how I would describe bowl movements created from Papa John’s pizza.

Legend has it that Lil Papa John became inspired to start his company after seeing a pizza delivery truck dragging a black man behind it.  

If he wanted people to disregard his racially insensitive comments, he should have just put a little jalapeno pepper in the middle of the conference call. That’ll fix it.

Well, duh.  Back in Colonel Sanders’ time, America was still Great(tm). 

So Papa John lost his PR firm, and the PR firm had to lay off staff. So pretty much a lose-lose, which is also how I would describe paying for Papa John’s shitty pizza.

Also he had music playing in the background and didn't mute his line.

Blink an indeterminate number of times if yes, don’t blink at all if no.

I feel bad for our country but this is tremendous content. 

I didn’t really have anywhere to put this in the story, but man, this tweet is so aggressively useless. Was this Schefter’s punishment for losing a bet to Darren Rovell?

Very upset he didn’t set it up so the first letter of every paragraph spelled out “BENGHAZI”