Get a nespresso and drink better coffee, then.

Somewhere in Wisconsin right now there is a bleach-blonde crime lab tech fucking up an experiment.

Like a ‘mean tweets’ segment? Just a few choice sentences?

Slow your roll there, sweetheart.

I always loved how concise Vince Staples made it:

One of my favorites (apart from all his RTJ stuff).

Kyrie knows we live in a simulation. The aliens who run it have just started button-mashing.

“Although _______ does not recall the meeting ____ years ago, he profoundly and sincerely regrets any pain _____ may have experienced.”

The Spurs coach cut his media availability short last night—saying that basketball was not important in light of the shooting, which happened about 35 miles outside of San Antonio.

I do, however, wonder how many former presidents would have consistently made themselves look like buffoons had Twitter existed in their time.

There are only 2 medical schools in Indiana.

This needs more stars.

You had me at ‘nature shit’.

His quarterback was surrounded by 300+ offensive linemen

Sorry, already gave a star for a dreadlock joke today.

Legitimizing sexual assault and harassment? What’s next for this guy; posting pictures of nude infants and refusing to take them down until the state police intervene?

“We would have also accepted “Cody”....”Cody” - Alex Trebek

+1 reference to females.

I’m pretty shocked by this. Every time I think I can get a handle on how people behave at football games something like this comes along and just makes me second guess humanity. I’m just at an absolute loss.

By gosh, Byfuglien befuddled by fugly fish