“Took care of the fan" actually means high-fives and floor seats for the rest of the game. 

But he's white?!

Worse Momento and Unbreakable cross-over ever.

You’ve clearly never been to Winnipeg.

Crocodile Puntee. So obvious a nickname that I won’t even take credit for it.

Don’t worry, they only do this in the red states.

It’s hard to hate a man when you put a picture of him delicately weeping.

Hulk Hogan?

The only reason I can come up with is to have someone hold your hand on your deathbed...but that’s what hookers are for.

It also looks better than pretty much any show on CBS.

Kids are stupid and don’t get Larry David, hence, why their television is garbage. Just accept it and hope to god yours don’t watch JAG when they grow up. Also, accept that JAG will still be on the air in twenty years.

There’s no better feeling for my mid-life crisised self, than finding out that I’m better at a sport than a world class athlete, like way better. I bet I can beat him at FIFA as well.

The best soft serve is when it costs $10 bucks and really is just a front for buying a dime bag (I hope this is still a thing, but it got me through some long summers visiting family in Queens).

It’s so bad that if I were him, I’d be doing my best to make sure the team didn’t even set foot inside a playoff game, in order to avoid any pressure to grow a playoff beard.

Cleveland’s version of the wet t-shirt contest.

An important lesson in keeping an eye on the puck, and more importunately, one in your name.

That style of playoff hockey is surely what is putting hair on Crosby’s chest...and pubes on his face.

This entire statement could have been attributed to Alexander Daigle.

Still on this?

Yeah I thought it was pretty shit growing up...then I visited Cleveland. It’s all about perspective.