Yayyyyyyy!

Disclosure: The author of this piece has been provided an STD by the Chicago White Sox, and has been sent a Hawk Harrelson alarm clock by a White Sox enthusiast, though he has yet to pick it up from the post office. His opinions are his own.

Based on Kelsi's Instagram, she finds Chlamydia kinda catchy.

“Fever Itch”

This is entirely beside the point but I don’t think anyone dug for this. Leitch posted his article yesterday and linked back to a questionable old Deadspin article as a way of pointing out how he has grown since then. When I clicked on it, the top comment was Barry’s now widely circulated “fat” joke, I think because…

Yes, that’s the point Portnoy and his minions are willfully missing: Portnoy is saying that type of garbage today, every day, as a 41 year old. Barry said stupid, hateful shit 12 years ago; that doesn’t make it right at all but there’s at least the calculation that people can improve and become better over time. Barry…

Worked for a similar golf pro/manager asshole as a cart boy the summer before college. I got asked to be on staff for a summer leadership seminar, I cared a lot about, last minute that summer.

I liked your goddamn joke, okay! And I like this one too.

I’m only starring for Patrick Bateman. Because that song blows whale dick.

truly, a land of confusion. 

At least he was able to fulfill his childhood dream of being a conductor on a train.

I don’t think rapists care about “sloppy seconds.”

I think we just became scientists, bro. 

Maybe they could have used the blowhole. Hear me out. It uses the blowhole to push out air when it’s in the water, right? Well, what if somebody got a hose to push water in while it’s on land. That way the balance is intact, just in reverse. It should work in theory.

I have lived in Chicago all my life and never drunk Malort, although I drink just about anything else.

My favorite was “a condom filled with gasoline”. I felt like that really summed it up for me.

malort is made by draining the corpses of deceased hobos of their vital fluids, then distilling the fluid. 

I always described it as old grapefruit peels and musty shoes. But you damn well better believe that anyone that came to visit me got a shot of it before they could find out not to drink it.

+1 microphone stand