WHY ARE YOU SO FAT?

I chose not to run.

“Best friends” in the manner of “asking for a friend?”

That’s, uh, very specific.

I hope a bucket of paint falls off a ladder and lands upside-down on your head and gets stuck there and you stumble around with a paint-bucket on your head and crash into a ladder and fall down a manhole.

The men and the women.

“This training is for fahkin cabbage pussies like fahkin purple wearin gayboys at the fahkin figya skatin rink”

Now I have that accent in my head. Have your fahckin’ stahh.

It sucks that buying alcohol in this state is such a pain in the ass and we’re constantly raging internally about it. You bring it up and the rage just comes boiling out. 

They are waiting for the state run liquor stores to open so they can relieve their withdrawal, and as a result have nothing else to do until then.

Hey, some people clearly take the fact their state doesn’t sell alcohol in gas stations very seriously and will let you know that! Stop gas station-shaming them!

I like you’re approaching looting with a Supermarket Sweep style strategy.

I’ve never run into a time when I couldn’t buy alcohol in Illinois. Even Wisconsin has some time restrictions, but that’s due to the Tavern League’s power. It’s annoying being in another state and having to go to 2 or 3 stores to get something I should be able to get in 1 store or not being able to buy on Sunday.

Go to the bathroom first, flush the key, lock the door behind you on your way out. Now no one gets to use it

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. PFTCommenter is America’s greatest contribution to the 21st century.

I thought Portnoy only did that to little kids?

Path dependence, bruh. In an ass-dick world, none of this would have evolved the same way. Sex, clothing, corn-based diets, men’s room design - if all of that had come about in an ass-dick environment, most of these concerns would be covered.

It’s unclear to me why I would ever want to trade away the 10 minutes of silent reprieve from my coworkers to dick around on my phone sitting in a stall so that I could squeeze shit out my dick like fucking toothpaste.

You would also have to wipe your dick. That would turn everyone in to stand wipers! EVERYONE! Aaaahahahahahahahahahahahahaaa!

You thought ALL these things in 20 minutes? I am amazed. And terrified.