Dr. Mantis Toboggan* 

Spend a lifetime bangin’ hoores and you’re gonna catch the syphilis 

On a positive note, the warnings signs for CTE are becoming clearer.

“You Must Be Sure You Wanna Taste It” may sound like the worst possible slogan for something you want people to drink, until you imagine some giant Slavic dude in a track suit declaring “I am for sure to taste you” before opening it with his teeth.

Also low branches, they can go fuck themselves

Shot Wad Facializes Black And White.

If you’re shorter than 5'8 you usually round up by an inch and a half, and if you’re taller than 6'1" it doesn’t really matter.  

6'2" is better than 6'3" and above because of low ceiling basements. My head just grazes the top of many basement ceilings and that’s good. If I’m wearing shoes and it ups me by half an inch I have to slightly lower my head, and that’s bad.

Is the $15 purchase covered by my Blue Cross PPO?

Key nutrients 

“Don’t shit where you eat. Words to live by. They find you rummaging through their dumpsters, they’re not going to let you use the bathroom anymore. Find a dumpster on the next block, or better yet, a grocery store. Those best buy dates on the food are to product the manufacturers, not the customers, they’re still…

The actual Tomsula Index is a list of businesses that will let you use their bathroom without having to buy anything. 

Oh it is and it sounds like you need to watch that movie.  It’s outrageous

Gonna need a lot more Devito nudity to keep it fresh, but I think they’ll make it work

Kyle Average

poop is funny!

I heard a deafening iPhone camera click. What is the most reasonable explanation? Can I still be friends with him?

Assuming he gets killed, (which safe to say he does because when you have the chance to put that to film, you take it), you gotta think James Dolan just retires and watches that scene on repeat forever, like he’s Goldie Hawn in Death Becomes Her

Chris Dugan on his way home after being fired for reasons he’ll never understand