That’s the first mustache tattoo I’ve ever seen. It’s ridiculous.

Oh, good. Another horrific incident involving a crazy guy with a gun that we can all click our tongues, shake our heads and then do absolutely nothing about.

Lenny Kravitz is waaaaaaaaay ahead of you, Kevs.

Lovely. I’m looking forward to this couple’s Holocaust-themed divorce.

Yes! BTW, this is a VERY different response to the same comment I foolishly made on the TMZ website. Anyone who says racism is over need only read a TMZ comment section to know it’s not. Yikes.

You guys! I wanted to hate Coco SO bad! I specifically tuned into Ice Loves Coco so I could pick her apart and turn her into fodder for my stand-up act. Instead, what I found was a really sweet, intelligent, funny, cool lady who is crazy-over-the-moon in love with Ice and their doggies. I want Ice and Coco to have all…

So... let me get the right’s position on this issue straight: Big government is too intrusive in the lives of men, but should be allowed all up in my lady business?

What do I have to do to get into this awesome clique? I’ll do it. Just name it and consider it done.

National Lipstick Day, you say? And here I thought my boy dog was just happy to see me.

I know, right? It vexes me still.

I can’t get through it with a straight face. “Those fee-males-are-strong-as-hell” slays me every time.

I know. I bummed myself out by bringing it up. I miss the Veridian Dynamics commercials so hard.

Outside of being one of the funniest shows I’ve seen in a LONG time, (maybe even since the wonderfully weird and woefully missed Better Off Ted) this show has, hands-down, the catchist, ear-wormiest theme song of all time.

I ingest an inordinate amount of aspartame. Like, to the point where my BFF of 30+ years saw me dumping so many packets of Equal into my coffee that she involuntarily uttered, “Duuuuuuude” when she saw me do it.

<raises hand emphatically> Ooh! Ooh! I think I know the answer to this one!

There is some weapons-grade rationalization going on here. A 17 year old girl should never be having sex with a 25 year old man. Let’s take the same age difference and just tweak it a little: is it okay for a 13 year old to have sex with a 20 year old? OF COURSE FUCKING NOT!

This week on Teen Mom...

I’m sorry... “weennie?” No, Ellie. Just no. A weenie is someone who cuts you off in traffic or swoops in on a parking space you’ve been waiting for. This fucker is sub-human filth. It’s not cute or funny and it really shouldn’t be trivialized with cutesie terminology like he tore down a photo of Hello Kitty. This…

There. I fixed it for you. :)