How's this:

THAT is not Renee Zellweger. THIS is Renee Zellweger

Renee Zellweger was in Austin for a few days and frequented the coffeeshop where I worked. She was extremely sweet. Everyone shut up!
That is all.

That's the thing about these Matthew McConaugheys, each year I get smarter, they just stay the same age (about 13 mentally).

With the gallon of sugar they put in Coke, how is it bitter?! Pepsi is the black abyss of awfulness, like your heart. You probably go into restaurants and ask for water with extra lemons and sugar, don't you? Communist.

Pepsi is basically Coke, but watered down and with goat piss and a pitch of shit added to it. Pepsi taste terrible is what I'm trying to say.

Coke Zero taste like ass. I'm perfectly happy drinking regular Coke. And all you Pepsi people are disgusting.

It's okay, Diet Coke - I still love you.

I'm line voting Democratic because reasons. (And I live in Texas.)

I want this damn state to not vote in crazy people so much and it's never going to happen and so I drink my Shiner and cry instead.

I completely misread that at first and thought "Yes, 2014 has been a horrible butt."

Sorry Andy Dwyer already called it.

start peeing in hidden places in her house

If you're a 22-year-old intern working at the White House and you embark on an affair with your married President, then most people would probably say the shame-ometer probably starts right there and then.

Isn't that a bit of an overreaction? I mean it's not like a guy just got barely 5 years for brutally murdering his girlfriend...

"I'm only 45. My dong is great." - Thomas Jane

Maybe I will go to fucking Idaho because it's not NY and that in and of itself is charming.

Except that when you Google "boo," you mostly get results about a dog named Boo. That damned racist Pomeranian.

We're #1! We're #1! (Just the ladies now.) We're #1! I can't hear you, fellow Utah ladies! Perhaps most of you are too busy voting against your interests to chant with me?'

::snort::