I have these sketchy little dreams of building a massive business of selling embroideries of that tapestry.

Don't forget "I'm allergic to red"

"But...but we're <i>white!" </i>

If Maru was my cat, my life would be nothing but setting up ever more elaborate series of boxes. I would be unemployed, starving and crazed from lack of sleep, and I would be totally, completely happy.

I bet I could watch SIX kids by myself and never once have to resort to using a weapon!.

What's with the picture being flipped? All the words on the gift wrap are backwards.

Damn, I wish they'd let me wear a tiara to work. I've had to settle for a fabulous collection of head bands.

This is nice and all, but when do we get to see her list of well thought discussion topics, customized to each relative? Because if you're going to eliminate small talk, you better bring the big talk.

I think that's spaghetti.

This Christmas, what I really, really wanted was a big pack of salmon from Costco, because it is delicious and fresh enough that the sushi places get it there, and it is hard for me to get there.

Dude, no. You don't go to a Chinese restaurant and demand lasagna, do you?

Sweet pucker of lemony goodness, that stupid elf somehow got creepier. H- no, WHY?!

For the benefit of anyone else looking at that picture and going, 'what the hell is THAT?"

Yeah, this kind of thing was my regular dressy wear as a kiddo, and I was born in the early 80s. I still remember my beautiful red velvet Christmas dress with the big square lace collar and the ribbon around my waist. I think Mom got it at Sears?

My God. I forgot how incredibly likeable this man is.

It's the color you get when someone with a lower GI bleed has pooped.

I had pertussis fifteen years ago in high school. That was when I learned you could cough hard enough to break your own ribs. When I get sick now, I still have coughing fits that sound like a dog imitating a machine gun and sometimes make me throw up.

Guys, ever since everyone in my neighborhood stopped locking their doors, we've all been robbed. I just don't understand why.

Gastrointestinal bleed.

Skyline chili is the culinary equivelent of popping a massive zit: you know you shouldn't, doctors tell you not to, doing it is fascinating and revolting and painful and when you're done, it's an oily mess and you're weeping gently in the bathroom.