Meet your second wife was amazing!

That was my favorite sketch of the night!

Last night’s show was great. Fey, Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Amy Schumer, Paul McCartney, and all those painful faces Springsteen makes when he performs. Stellar night.

Pasta in a cheese wheel is easily one of the best, most decadent thing I’ve ever eaten.

alright, i need help. i need to exercise. i hate it. i am sorta fat and out of shape and the gym intimidates me. i have zero motivation but every time my pant size increases or i look at myself in the mirror i feel terrible. i don’t have any friends to go with. how do i start??? i can’t wake up early to exercise…

Yeah, can we attack his WRITING, as well? Because he sucks at his job, too.

When the first adhesive pads came out, my little brother was probably 6 or 7. He asked me what a sanitary napkin was and I told him that you stuck it on your forearm so when you ate dinner you could just wipe your mouth with your arm because the napkin was on it. Little did I know that he would come down to dinner…

I was 10, which means my older sister was 13. I saw her and mom in the bathroom together a lot. And I was all WTF is this about? And more importantly, what am I missing out on?

I don't find mr. Tatum attractive at all but ANYTHING is better than Quentin Tarantino.

I wore heels the first time at my 8th grade dance. My mom told me, “Imagine your ankles are powerful and strong.” Weird, but it still works for me.

This thread is full of killjoys. I LOVE getting scratchers in a birthday card. It’s like 2-3 minutes of pure adrenaline. And better than whatever frumpy clothing item or romance novel my mom or aunts would otherwise gift me with.

FIERCELY REAL

Though, totally possible it’s a Marketing Ploy with Benefits.

You know that whole “oh, either there’s chemistry or there isn’t” thing? He was the dude I had awkward silences and weird, stunted conversations with, which would be dismissed according to the “dating” rules. And we ended up getting married, especially because we are both introverted and awkward people.

At least Alan delivered.

I fucking love Columbo.

Never trust an Evangelical when he offers to “pull it out.”

Falwell’s comments are just a perfect encapsulation of how these idiots think. The racism, of course, but also the action hero fantasy bullshit that they tell themselves.

My kitty cuddled with me all night. He’s generally affectionate but he’s had a little kitty cold (which is sad for him, but kitty sneezes are so goddamn cute). And then this morning he came and slept on my chest and purred and gave me little kisses and it was cute.

It’s dopey but went to Home Depot and bought a space heater that looks like a wood stove and has little faux flames. It is so cheesy, but I love it.