Nah, bro. You gotta maintain. You think the Drunk Uncle got his title over time? Wrong...it was one fateful Thanksgiving when he passed out face down into his second helping.

I normally don’t star snarky posts, but this one is too delectable not too.

It warms my heart that this is the first comment. Which is good, because my heart is made of cheese: Who wants queso dip!!!!!!!

This is the first and only time a Deadspin commentor has copped to voting for Trump in November.

Wait: You get fried chicken on Thanksgiving?! Almost makes centuries of oppression worth it...but not quite.

Alternate method: Bring a hip flask full of bourbon to your in-laws house. Excuse yourself frequently to check on the kids, use the bathroom, or get something from the kitchen. Take sips as needed.

Life shortening mystery pills that cause rage, man boobs, baldness, and more rage VS. Onion juice.

From this day forth I will refer to Gregor as Incognito Grey Goose.

Thanks. Now I have that goddamn Nickelback song stuck in my head.

Yuengling tastes like somebody took a Primanti brothers sandwich and a Geno’s cheesesteak, stuffed them in a Liberty Bell full of Heinz ketchup and Hershey bars, and left it under the bed of a Ramada Inn for two weeks.

Looks to me like all his gainz were seized during his dad’s last bankruptcy.

“I didn’t say I’d give you money if you went down on Flavortown, I said it’s so money. That’s gangsta! No seriously, is that gangsta coming to make make me pay? You’re gunna cut me if I don’t pay? That’s out of bounds! Shut the front door! Please, shut the front door of my car so I can bleed to death in peace.”

That’s some 101-proof trolling right there. Think I’ll use it to make a ‘hattan.

“Roger Federer cover band that performs under the name Grigor Dimitrov”. This...this is the finest and most hilarious tennis take ever blogged. It’s brings tears to my eyes, which are already teared over ‘cause I recently strung and broke a set of natural gut which was expensive and totally not worth it. 

Vertical CPR. No homo.

Powerlifters: I’m sorry. I’m a bodybuilder (not competitive...I lift to feel and look good), and I thought powerlifting (where you’re not allowed to drop the bar) and Olympic weightlifting (where you can) were the same thing. I am now educated. Also, I recognize 375 isn’t a crazy deadlift, but it’s nothing to laugh…

To borrow a phrase from the great Dom Mazzetti: Crossfit teaches you how to correctly have incorrect form.

This is good. This is really good.

That’s true, but it’s also not a walk in the park either. Dude has a body like Gumby, so I have my doubts.

Yeah, someone else pointed that out as well. I didn’t realize the distinction. I’m more of a bodybuilder, and most max deadlifts I see end with dropping the bar. I do reps on deadlifts, so I don’t drop.