Some bitch tried this on a flight I was on with the lady sitting behind me (who was also a bitch, based on the fact that she was on a conference call dropping marketing buzz words until the very second the doors closed). Despite them both being awful human beings, I mentally cheered when she stated mater-of-factly…

Arturo Sr. ruined my life. Had my scholarship all lined, and was on the line for the go-ahead foul shot at state finals. When I heard that catcall coming from the crowd, my confidence was shattered. Threw the ball clean over the backboard. My girlfriend left me for the towel boy (THE FUCKING TOWEL BOY!!), my dad died…

Dipped in ranch?

This is a horrible take. I choose all my packaged food products based on spokesperson awesomeness. And Vlasic has a fucking stork, dude. I’ve never been steered wrong by a stork.

This is a good and righteous take. Vegetables are find as long as they’re cooked properly, but there is not vegetable that isn’t improved with the addition of an animal product.

No kidding, right? Not joking: I left work early when I heard the news.

Sure, because a person who would attack a woman is a fine upstanding citizen who wouldn’t consider breaking the law. Oh wait...

You’re shitting me, right? You have to be kidding. Where did you go to school? They were still in the Glamtera phase (the one that the band and hard core fans pretend didn’t exist, and that casual fans don’t even know about) at that point. Amazing.

Guns don’t not shoot people. I don’t shoot people.

Where do you live? Why on earth is there a place that defending yourself with a non-deadly weapon is illegal?

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. And especially don’t bring a set of keys.

Slip your middle finger through the key ring, and palm the set of keys. Protects your hand more, and gives your punch a little extra umpf. Don’t ask me how I know this. 

This is what I say to my wife about anal. Doesn’t work out as well for me though.

Not a pickle hater, but can we agree when the kitchen staff nestles that fucking pickle so close to your burger that the bun gets soggy and disintegrates that they need a dick-punching? 

I’m staring your comment, but I’m also going to bring a travel mug full of ramen broth to the bar this weekend. And I will order my new favorite shot: Whiskey with a Tomsula chaser.

Easily solved: You wear the dress pants/slacks and blazer/suit on the plain. You also wear the single pair of dress shoes with them. You pack one extra pair of dress paints (in case you crap yourself, which you probably will if your trip takes you to Philly).

Christopher: Mind if I call you Chris, or do you prefer Topher (please don’t say you prefer Topher). I have a business proposition for you, Chris. We go into the airline business together, and any “carry on” with wheels gets gate checked.

Solid take on Bloody Marys. They taste like fuck, and are literally THE WORST idea after a night of marathon drinking.

How true. Having something to accompany it makes it all the more enjoyable.

KFCFU.