You ever get the feeling HamNo is looking at inkblots and sort of seeing what he wants to see?

The A and the T, I get, but what’s with the L? In my day, we were content with the M.

Preach, brother!

Dad (Me): Look, just have a few bites, and you can have a can of frosting for dessert.

May your table overflow with many stars, which the dog will then eat off the floor.

Your dad was right.

People who serve boiled vegetables as a side should be forced to eat all their meals while sitting on the toilet until they realize that fart smells do not belong at dinner.

This applies to adults as well. My father-in-law was certain he didn’t like brussels sprouts (BTW: Did you know it’s “brussels sprouts” and not “brussel sprouts”? WTF?), broccoli, cauliflower, and several other vegetables. It just turns out his mom, God rest her vegetable destroying soul, was a shitty cook.

My daughter’s favorite food is stuffed peppers. My son, on the other hand, who is the sweetest most gentle boy in the world, would probably smother me in my sleep if we attempted to feed him a bell pepper. Go figure...

Pink is still OK in October, right? Cause I prefer veal anyway...

Well, that makes one of us anyway :(.

Can we get a verdict on condom requirements if she’s shaved? Cause logically, I feel like I should probably toss on a jimmy if she always has her house ready for company. But if it looks like I spilled a box of steel wool pads onto some old chewing gum, I probably want to strap one on too...

Dude, just do what I do: You wanna pre-cut your condoms so it’s just a ring. That way, it looks like you’re a modern, responsible man rolling a boner killing rubber barrier over God’s gift to womankind over your dick, but in reality you’re a piece of shit who’s going to ghost her if she catches feelings. Or the clap.…

Get out of here with your spellings and your maths.

Nonsense. Mama says that alligators are ornery... ‘cause they got all them teeth but no toothbrush 

Damn, I hope you enjoyed all the work it took you to get out of the greys, ‘cause you’re probably about to get banished back there by a Deadspin writer for all eternity.

I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don’t wanna know. Some things are best left unsaid.

I typically don’t troll people online, but these songs are so bad, it inspired me to write a Haiku to commemorate the terribleness.

Chris sounds better on every record. Looks good too...I wonder if he’s a vegan?

It’s as overused as a stupid Trump joke on kinja, but I sincerely regret that there is no way to give more than one star. The only thing dated about this album is the number of people on earth available for giving snotty “fuck yous”.