I’ve just been crushed to death under the weight of your dad jokes.

I still say this is subjective. Every time my wife asks me to buy large onions at the store, she says their a good size, but looks kind of disappointed.

Go ahead and rub it in, you rich prick. My family was raised on 50/50 ground beef. Shit had so much tallow in it, we’d use leftover slices as soap.

Great. First my wife ruins dinner, and now she’s spending all her spare time writing Lifehacker blogs under a pseudonym.

My wife is from Buffalo. Would it be domestic violence if I sneak up on her and body slam her through our dinning room table after they win their first game? Asking for a friend (who is me).

Dear Bert,

Sadly, it is. My father in law was convinced he hated brussel sprouts because his mom and my mother-in-law just boiled them. Now my seared sprouts with bacon, balsamic, and pink peppercorns are one of his favorite sides.

There was when I lived in Northern VA, but I’ve been in Milwaukee the last 10 or so years. GOD I miss the lunch counter at Super H.

I do this with broccoli, with outstanding results. It’s like the before and after ads on the side of porn sites that I have never seen but this one guy at work told me about because I would never visit a porn site.

Anyone who boils brussel sprouts should be forced to eat a spoonful of clipped fingernails. Boiled brussel sprouts are the ebola of food. Sauteed or roasted (with bacon, because BACON) brussel sprouts are the caviar of the vegetable world.

Somehow, that is the correct answer to all the questions.

Can you please respond with your address? I promise I will not break into your house and steal your mushroom soy sauce while you sleep.

Could you please visit your Deadspin colleague, Drew Magary, and plead your case? Dude hates mayo. What kind of person hates mayo? Is that even legal?

• What condiments do you always have on hand, no matter what? Is anchovy paste a condiment? Because if it is: Anchovy paste. I bought a tube of it I don’t know when or why, but it’s been in there so long that I have run out of at least everything in my fridge one time since I bought it.

Nope. It’s that Green Bay fans desperately want to see Smokin’ Jay ride again, and God favors us. How else do you think we keep a football team that is consistently good year over year in a frozen dump of a city?

It is my birthright as an American to grill a burger of crappy ground beef with overly melted cheese on a cheap ass bun, and serve it to me friends and family.

If this is not proof that The Almighty has a sense of humor, I don’t know what does. I can’t wait to see Green Bay’s second best quarter back suit up for the Dolphins.

The fact that this comment already has 12 stars gives me hope for the Deadspin commentariat.

Now that the whole pineapple thing is solved, can anyone help me with the despair caused by going to lunch with my wife, and instead of ordering her own beer, she opts for “just a few sips” of mine?

I think there’s occasions for a hug. Certainly not when you meet a coworker the first time, my thoughts: