The Twins got a World Series as a reward.

Huh. I had assumed Pujols had died of natural causes.

We ask our players 20 days a year — game days — to restrict their statements.

Who knew?

Cop: You’re under arrest for DUI.

Why is it always two beers? I'd love a DUI story where the guy is like "Yeah I just knocked back a handle of Beam, I'm fuckin' LIT!"

Melania needs a Fake Melania. 

Probably both? If you’re a Ukrainian nationalist for whatever reason, you’re probably pretty pissed off at Putin for literally stealing part of your country and funding a years-long guerrilla war to try to steal more of it.

My early consolations to Vukojevic’s family, after he (inevitably) dies from self inflicted radiation poisoning and driving his car off a cliff, while stabbing himself 56 times.  

Who cares? Fuck you.

There is no such thing when high, good man.

teams are looking for the smallest of faux pas just to have an excuse to rush onto the field and perform some masculinity.

I hope Dexter Fowler doesn’t even bother to wear shoes to the dugout anymore.

Cardinals fans are the Chicago Bears fans of baseball.

Well, now we know why Irsay's car had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint…

Meanwhile, behind Irsay’s back...

now that, is very specialized humor, right there.

Sure, the race has changed, but the one constant is that somebody will get all huffy about something or other.