I didn’t go to my prom. It was 1989, so our music was shit, and I could not wait until I no longer had to deal with any of those assholes I went to school with. Instead, I was a sort of camp counselor at a weekend drug education retreat for middle school students. Honestly, no regrets. I wasn’t of the “drugs are…

We’re not going to speak of my attempt at a spiral perm, but I cringed at Barb in Stranger Things because WTF, show stylists, did you get my sophomore yearbook photo?

I don’t think you’re an old if you didn’t see at least one Molly Ringwald vehicle in a theatre during its original release. Or at least tried to do so. I still remember spending an hour on a bus to see Pretty in Pink — only to get to the theatre and discover it had ended its run there the prior day.

I’m getting ready to take a shower, put together a cheese’n’fruit tray, and settle in for an evening of watching some sort of video entertainment. It could be YouTube makeup videos, and it could be Hulu or Netflix. I haven’t decided yet. It won’t be Game of Thrones because my dad finally changed his cable password.…

Just when I decided to start buying NARS, they decided to start testing on animals, so I’m kind of in mourning over that even though I don’t use them anyway. Then I tested the new Benefit Galifornia blush, and check this out:

Ugh, same. D cup, years since last purchase, middle-aged woman, no one else to see my boobs, no poking — pretty much everything you said. One addition for me: Padding. Just enough to keep nipples from poking through the bra. Because I would prefer not to have those ready to roll in the workplace.

The best part about fucking up on hotel rooms is that we’re talking about someone heavily involved with hotels. Maybe they just assumed that his name in the industry was enough? Maybe they thought that, like L. Ron Hubbard, there is space saved for him wherever he goes, whether he actually goes there or not? I have…

Sometimes I feel like Kate Brown got into office, rolled up her sleeves, and said, “Okay, how can I push this state as far into the 21st century as possible before I have to leave this office?” And also that the next stop is state-wide single-payer insurance.

Oh, wow. Bif Naked is Twitter buddies with Seth Rogan’s mom? Did not see that one coming.

It DOES NOT feel like it’s only been one year since Hiddleswift. Not even a year since that stunt continued for a couple of months after that. It seems more like five years. Maybe more.

Small shoes? That’s a size 9 or so. I’m thinking the metal shanks are for stability in car-to-bar (that is, intended to be walked in only from the distance from your car to a barstool, and then positioned daintily on the stool’s crossbars) shoes so she can stand on them for an entire performance and not have to worry…

This one honestly always makes me tear up, although now it’s in a really fucking depressing way:

One kitty has been successfully tranquilized. The other kitty reacts VERY VERY POORLY to the drugs (think BAD TRIP, complete with hiding and burrowing even when there are no noises happening), so I didn’t drug him because I think the drugs are actually more traumatizing for him than the noise. I’ve spent today…

YES. I am here for this! Cannot wait. It going to be absolutely *magical*, like a modern-day Joan and Bette, except the Super Trash Fire Edition.

Assholes perform a very important function: to *remove* waste from a body. Comparing him to such a vital orifice is a disservice to anatomy. He’s a ruptured appendix that Congress refuses to have removed.

That should work! I just don’t use that particular product, so I didn’t even think of it.

Is that Geek Chic Cosmetics? I don’t have those particular collections, but I have several of their older ones, and be warned: you need a sticky base. Their stuff tends to be super sparkly, even by indie standards. My favorite is Pixie Epoxy from Fyrinnae. You only use a tiny bit at a time, so one tube can last almost…

The owner of the company is absolutely *obsessed* with Hamilton, so she pulled rank and insisted that this design happen!

Thank you! Really, I just know where to shop. And am lucky enough to have a job where they don’t bat an eye at these.

It just takes a little practice. Now they’re easier than painting my nails, plus when it’s too hot and humid for nail polish to cure properly, these completely sidestep that issue. I can’t remember the last time I actually painted my nails. More than a year ago, probably.