Oh God I am so sick and fucking tired of the American exceptionalism bullshit. Guess what you assholes on the right fringe. We are no more import and no more special than any other place on this planet. I love the USA, I love being an American. But i’m not living in delusion that I am a superior super special fucking…

This one is my husband’s, and it’s my favorite.

This summer, I had a sex dream about Rob Ford (yes, that’s the crack smoking ex-mayor of Toronto). In the dream we were married, and had people coming over for dinner in 20 minutes - so I convinced him we should sneak in a quickie before our guests arrived (yes, I convinced HIM). We then proceeded to have intense sex,…

And a couple more short ones, just because the plethora of weird sex dreams I have could become a novel.

1) I was fucked by the entire cast of Magic Mike on the floor while surrounded by the entirety of my male friend group from college (15+guys).

Alex Trebek. We were going to town, sweaty and frantic and he kept yelling, “Who is....your daddy?” over and over again like they phrase it on Jeopardy. Suddenly he pulled out and I was standing naked in front of the studio audience, crying.

I played on a high school basketball team in Kentucky and we are playing in a holiday tournament in New Orleans in 1991. As this was not our first out of state trip, we knew the routine. In our hotel rooms by 10, lights out at 11, spot bed checks by coaches between 1130 and midnight, then nothing til breakfast at…

TLDR WARNING

About 6 years ago me and my friends were chilling at my house. We had just picked up an eighth of some good shit and my buddy Mike had a brand new 2 foot bong. It was one of those expensive ass ones with an ice catcher and shaped all zigzagging. So we were about a gram in and my room looked like fog cover…

Bigotry is bigotry. Parsing racism from xenophobia from Islamophobia is trying to distance yourself from people you consider to be bigots while defending your own bigotry. Zimmerman is not using the term “dirty Muslim” because he has concerns about theology. Calling dark people “dirty” is about the oldest play in the…

The worst thing Suddenly Susan did was trick people into thinking that Kathy Griffin is funny.

She asked me “Mom, what should I do?” She was crying on the phone.

I remember the Daily Show reviewed Starship Troopers at the time referring to his character as “Doogie Himmler.”

Yom Kippur-Coachella. Think about it. We could make a killing.

Even better...Ramadan Bonnaroo. We could call it....Ramadannaroo.

Worst of all? This was the text:

The enemy of my enemy is my frenemy.

Yes!

Possibly staffed by graduates of Los Feliz Daycare?

The full cherry story is much more interesting than red honey..

I also did this, last weekend, wearing my son’s tiger headphones after he passed out. My husband was like WHAT IS HAPPENING and I'm like PIXAR.

During a JOB INTERVIEW.

It’s amazing how a particularly shitty experience on a train can lead to such camaraderie amongst passengers who witness the shitty experience.