this is my after photo

The people insisting “dipped” is at all self-explanatory and the rest of us are morons for not knowing this bizarro regionalism are making me want to set something on fire.

I really feel for the lobster cracker guy... I once saw the headline “Doctors operate on conjoined Irish twins” and sat staring at my computer for a full minute trying to figure out how they were conjoined but born at least 9 months apart.

Back when I would go to Chic-Fil-A, whenever I was visiting my parents (so, once a year), I one time ended up with a nice older lady cashier who FREAKED THE FUCK OUT when my change came up to be $6.66. Not even “HAHAHAHA! That’s really weird...” type of thing. Nope, she blanched and stared at the cash register in…

It does make her dumb—but we thank you for sending your comment in defense of her stupidity—we’ve been waiting for you!

Whats Yakety-Sax? I just imagined Careless Whisper playing while I read the last one. I was a very sensual ice cream making attempt.

Jamie Layton’s story reminds me of a famous story I heard when I was working at a regional theater festival.

I would have loved to have seen a salad with 1 quartered garbanzo bean, and 6 whole beets in it.

Gives new meaning to the term "hot bunking".

“Oh, man! I’m sorry you guys broke up. If you don’t mind my asking, what happened?”

Literally the opposite of an Officer and a Gentleman.

“According to the source, the second wife is standing by her man until he finds a third wife.”

When I get scammy sales phone calls that say things like “a friend referred you to us”, I say “Oh my God I’m in witness protection, I need to call Agent Barns right away!!”

The Ice Bucket Challenge, raising more awareness than you think.

Ooh, ooh, I have one more (not my burn, but someone else’s). It is related to the same awful ex. He had an ongoing thing where he would tell people that he used to look like Scott Weiland. He had lost a lot of weight in his early 20s and dyed his hair red and wore eyeliner a lot, but that was IT for the resemblance,…

This burn is really only funny within the context of the relationship in which it was said: I was with a horribly verbally abusive guy who constantly harped on my (and other women’s) weight despite the fact that he was probably 70 lbs overweight. NOT something I’d normally comment on, but he didn’t stop making nasty…

While working my way thru college at a Woolworths wannabe, I learned to burn. My favorite burn: A woman returns used dirty & stained underwear. This is a hella cheap brand when it’s being sold at Wal-Mart and Target but this is Irregular/Seconds and like $1 for a 5 pack of cotton/poly undies. We can’t take back…

Looking in the rosé section of the bottle shop for a picnic drink, and asked a French couple who were also browsing for a recommendation (in a friendly way). On hearing my Australian accent, the man said, in that uniquely snobby way “Nothing Australian - it’s crap”. To which I responded “Yeah, we export all our crap…

Well-dressed older gentleman who always wore his shoulder length silver hair in a ponytail at work received an anti-long-hair berating from a co-worker of similar age: disgraceful...hippie...you look like a woman.... Gentleman finished pouring his coffee and calmly replied to the co-worker, “Then you won’t mind if I…

25 years later I am still proud of junior high me: Family reunion, with cousins that I usually only saw at major holidays. All girls, in the same age range, and super competitive about everything. I developed early enough to feel self-concious about it and enough lag time had passed between visits that our new bodies…