[slaps the bong out of Albert and Patrick’s hands]

Ocean. A thousand times, the ocean. There is nothing in space. It’s literally just space. I guess, unless you’re Zaphod, it can make you feel shitty due to it’s scale, but if you went up in a rocket you would be able to experience the moon, maybe mars (I’d like to point out that these are not space. They are planets.…

Space is fine. The ocean is scary. If I drift too far from my spacecraft (or it violently succumbs to the vacuum of space while I’m in it), I die fairly painlessly. I slowly lose consciousness and then never wake up, or it happens so fast that I don’t perceive it.

Who wants to bet the first lady from the week before wasn’t really shoplifting either?

This is so fucking absurd and downright racist. Any cashier or sales associate knows you shouldn’t accuse someone of stealing, because 1.) that’s what loss prevention is for, 2.) they haven’t stolen anything until they’ve left the store and 3.) they can sue the shit out of you if you’re wrong. Acting like $10 worth of…

Okay, I have a confession... I’m kind of excited for season 2 of Iron Fist.

People watch the Super Bowl for the commercials, I watch the Tour for the HD sweeping vistas of rural France and its mountains and little villages that are like ten houses and a HUGE gothic church. My only problem with doping is it might make the stages go faster and give me less of my landscape porn.

I think you’re referring to pro sports in general, buddy.

Old white dudes: ALWAYS FUCKING AGGRIEVED.

As someone who doesnt care about cycling at all, that might actually get me to tune it for a moment.

Imagine waking up in the morning, putting on your best pair of lime green shorts, your favorite adidas shirt, and turning your adjustable hat backwards, before looking yourself in the mirror and feeling like that not only is this good, but getting so confident looking like that that you decide you’re going to go slap…

My therapist sometimes asks me about getting back out there and dating. I’m-a send her this.

“It’s not fair! Colonel Sanders was always manhandling breasts and slobbering over thighs, and no one made him sign confidential settlements with the chicks involved.”

Young and naive is a great thing to be.  Better than old, corrupt, and fucking dumb as shit like this idiot. 

Make up your goddamn mind, Hamilton.

Wasn’t it you that called Barack Obama shitty because he wasn’t out there doing more?

First of all, I dig the song (and that sample LOL).

We’re done here. Shut it down. Everyone try again tomorrow.

Every time Samwise bursts into tears, you take a shot.

It’s been a long time since I’ve read them but they key for me to enjoy them was to skip all of the elf songs and about 50% of the Frodo stuff from the second two books. Whining little bastard.