In high school we used to tease our friend by calling her Hanson because she looked a little like the middle Hanson bro. She hated that shit.

My wife doesn't drink beer so she'll have it when she isn't in the mood for wine. Her one word review: "Meh"

I remember going to the movies with my friend when we were kids. His dad drove like this work van so there were front seats and then nothing in the back. He had plastic patio furniture back there that we sat in and just tried not to slide around every time he made a turn.

I agree. They belong in overhead bins. They're the perfect size.

If it hurts inside, you can no longer get coverage.

Man, and I thought that the Wicked Weed purchase would be the most negative thing about Anheuser Busch this week…

There are a couple times in the book where you have these sort of blatantly old-fashioned and casually, ironically sexist remarks. Stuff like,”My publisher is a girl and it’s about time, I say.” Do you ever worry that kind of material, which you perform a lot in your stand-up too, gets misunderstood?
A lot of people…

Ladies and gentlemen, this man is for the birds!

You can take a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a bull's ass, but wouldn't you rather take the butcher's word for it?

"One hit? That's all we got, one goddamn hit?"
"You can't say goddamn on the air!"
"Don't worry, nobody is listening anyway"

Canadian Bacon is kinda awesome though

I'll have a Tequiza please

I dunno. I live near The Veil brewing and the biggest crowds on release day come when they are releasing gose

I only recently learned that you're supposed to tip your pilots. Whoops. I probably have a shitty rating.

Gah! That story made me shudder

I mean, I'm a cheap fuck so I'm down for not tipping. Just want to do right by people

Yeah, I've seen some sources say no, but it seems a majority say yes
http://www.businessinsider….
http://www.huffingtonpost.c…
http://www.marketwatch.com/…

I know people say to let snakes be, but I see one on my property, I'm cutting its damn head off. I have a cat to tend to any rodent issues that might arise.

I worked a summer job while in college for our city's water authority. Our little part timer crew would mostly just mow and trim around the water tanks and clear out overgrown areas around city owned properties. We had one full timer who was our supervisor. He scooped up a big bunch of brush we just cleared out and a…

Random story time. My friend was hiking with his family when he was a kid. His dad had lifted up one foot and about to put it down when he realized a rattlesnake was coiled up right beneath where his next footstep would land. Just stood there, motionless, with his foot in the air until it went away.