If that’s not yet a bumper sticker on a Prius, it soon will be. “Soon” being a relative term based on the amount of time it takes me to afford a Prius.

Yeah. Of all the things that could’ve made the jump from 24 to reality, the torture was the worst option. Surprise pumas being the best alternative, obviously.

Well, plot twists and torture. Like...60% plot twists, 35% torture. 5% surprise pumas.

The twist is that they really weren’t scientists and had never taken a prob/stats course at all!

Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to introduce you to the new Secretary of Labor Mr. Arnie Kopelson!

They know what they did.

They insisted on using lower case ‘t’ in place of calories. That way they always felt good even if they only managed to burn a few.

Looks like North Korea launched some more missiles too. In and of itself that doesn’t worry me. Or at least it wouldn’t if we had an adult in charge. Having an impotent gibbon directing our response is what worries me.

Just read that and I came here to make sure someone hated this shit. Seriously...we knew the Arpaio thing was coming, there’s no way that asshole wouldn’t pardon him. But I keep thinking “come on, he’s got to stop giving us the finger at some point!”

That’s the episode. She knew what he meant, but the rest of us were left wondering eternally.

Denzel Washington.

TNG once promised that Data was “fully functional.” I was hoping we’d finally know what he meant.

I anticipate a future when Texas finally calms the hell down and relaxes, shortly after the initiation of “Texas giant dildo day” legalizes the most efficient and effective design of penile substitutes.

Wait. Does this mean you’re Amy Schumer?

The Weight Watchers people tried almost exactly that same pitch with me once.

We made about the same sound when dad stopped short as you’d get by dropping Lincoln logs on a linoleum floor too.

I asked you to quit reminding me, dad!

Ugh. That was painful. Also I thought my aspect ratio was off at first. Dork was a bit wider back in the day and that emcee was downright bulbous.

That’s nothing. I grew up riding in the very back of a station wagon without any form of restraint. Me and my brothers were anti safety before it was bada$$, apparently.

Nazis don’t exist, right wing terrorism doesn’t exist, gun crime doesn’t exist, pay gaps don’t exist, climate change doesn’t exist...these folks really ought to be the happiest people on the planet. What’s left to complain about?