My mom caught me spanking in the back seat of our 1964 Oldsmobile station wagon in the Gemco parking lot after church.

For the story, yes! For me, nope!

I drew a dick in white-out on a girl named Brittany’s dark blue, monogrammed backpack in 7th grade (using the B as the balls and drawing the shaft out to the left behind it, of course) and got suspended for three weeks. My dad made me mow the lawn every single day because he didn’t know how else to punish me. It was a…

Man, Jimbo’s lucky he didn’t take that job. The fans on #FSUTwitter would have skipped their classes at ITT Tech and given him so much shit.

Harris is just trying to get the kids to stop playing soccer. You know where helicopters don’t land? Hockey arenas. Play hockey, kids, not soccer.

That is a great soccer parent email.

You’d think that Columbia would have higher standards then to admit a race horse into school.

If you are in an abusive relationship, get help.

I told him I’m getting the fuck out of here ... I heard everything. Marco said, ‘You didn’t hear shit and she wanted it all.’ I then ran out of the apartment.

This is as important a story as Deadspin has ever done. My contempt for Hardy, Jones and Goodell is matched only by my admiration for Diana’s epic reporting.

The only, and I mean only, good thing about this is that it allows me to actually hate somebody on the Cowboys instead of just sports hating them. I actively root for him to suffer a catastrophic injury and I feel no guilt.

He should really be playing for Houston, don’t you think?

This is beyond horrifying.

Unfortunately, while taking off the shirt, Rose tore the rotator cuff on his shooting hand side.

That kid totally looks like a Wii avatar.

Isn’t letting your child become a Cubs fan basically abuse?

It says something that W. is considered the dumb one when Jeb thinks there are only 16 hours in a day.

“GEORGE, IT’S YOUR COUSIN MARVIN, MARVIN SEIFERT. YOU KNOW THAT HOT NEW STANDARD OF FUCKING UP A LEGACY YOU’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR? WELL LISTEN TO THIS!!!!!”

Mularkey will be ably assisted by offensive coordinator Jim Bunkum and defensive coordinator Fred Hogwash.

I have no qualms with them getting out of the pop culture business, I just hope they decide to return to the sports business.