Can’t wait to hear the phrase, “The dog ate my basketball,” spoken out loud for the first time in human history. 

Thanks for bringing up a painful memory. I still get choked up every time I see the notes they left behind that fateful day, which I keep framed on top of the chifferobe. It helps.

I used to leave Sileo’s show on the radio at home during the day for my dog and cat. But, sadly, on the third day I came home and they had both perished in some kind of murder-suicide pact by somehow filling the tub with water, jumping in, and then knocking the radio into the water, as well. It was the damndest…

I know this sounds crazy, but It’s also possible that Jordan doesn’t believe the answer to the Clippers’s problems is Marcin Gortat.

I know this sounds crazy, but It’s also possible that Jordan doesn’t believe the answer to the Clippers’s problems is Marcin Gortat.

Wait, so Darby hasn’t been suspended or fined? If it’s true that he lied — and maybe he came clean to the investigators once they actually asked him, who knows? — then it’s hard to see how he skates with anything less than the punishment Winston received. Maybe I’m just hyper-sensitive these days to the notion that…

And I’m starting to think you think I think enough of you to read *anything* you type. So I guess we’re even. Well, you’re still wrong and dishonest and unpersuasive and wrong, but other than that, we both use the same basic character set when we type. So there’s that.

Luckily, we have intrepid reporters like Jeremy Peters to “explain” to us all why Trump won, and give us brilliant analysis proving that Trump supporters support Trump with 1500 words in every Sunday edition. [NOTE: Peters neglect to mentions his own paper’s daily breathless, 3-alarm, 10-month 2016 series devoted to…

Sure, like the meaningless symbolism of voting! We get it. 

Hey, you should write Pareene a fan letter!

What’s wrong with you? He said it didn’t matter. I said he said it didn’t matter. Your reading comprehension skills are suspect. And I’m not mad. I’m calling his essay to account, and you’re saying there’s no reason to because he was right all along.

His vote was no more nor less symbolic than anyone else’s. His inability to understand that, and his urge to justify his feeble grasp on the unpleasant realities of any democracy in writing, was more than symbolic. It communicated a ridiculous point of view at a perilous moment, treating the whole thing as an…

Nope. You’re being wildly generous for mysterious reasons known only to you. But he clearly said he wasn’t sure he would vote because it didn’t matter who was elected because Hillary supported the Iraq war and would have a bad foreign policy. It’s such a stupid thing to have said, even in November 2016, that it bears…

It’s at moments like this that I’m most reminded of Alex Pareene’s bold, groundbreaking essay on why he didn’t think it mattered whether people voted in 2016 or not. All the candidates were bad and there was no discernible difference, so why bother? I hadn’t really seen things from that point of view at the time, but…

D’oh!

Or, evidently, a runner on first.

I assume this made the rounds earlier this week, but still seems entirely appropriate.

I guess using Bjork’s ‘Big Time Sensuality’ was just a little too on the nose.

At least they didn’t spend the whole interview explaining to Embiid why Corey Lewandowski mocking a child taken from her mother by ICE is actually funny if you just think about it.

Which is why I didn’t compare her to Trump. I compared her to Elon Musk. Except Musk has thinner skin than Holmes.