Reddit memes are death. Don't use them.

This article made me stop fucking around on the internet and get to some work I needed to do. Thank you.

Yeah, I really want a justification for that. That ref should be fired.

This was really the apex of Autotune the News. I was sort of sad that they stopped, but it's hard to do better this. It just all comes together so well.

Why was the baby on the conveyor belt?

I think you need to do that math again.

As a fellow tall person, I, too, value my leg room. I also value my arm/shoulder room. If I sit next to my wife, we both give up arm room. If we sit across, I give up a little leg room. I don't use my legs to eat. And there's the benefit of A)not looking like fucking weirdos and B) not having to turn my head 90…

This totally clashes with Drew's prep school upbringing, he should prefer his buddy's Mom(who insists you call her Muffy)'s homemade baked mac with smoked Gouda and panchetta.

Because they are being read out loud by humans who recognize them as crazy behavior. When someone is laughing about something, it takes the horror out of it. If the man who wrote the text was somehow able to read it aloud in the tone he had in his head while writing (which I don't think is totally possible, because…

That account is a hard working troll.

This is satire, right? I would really feel better knowing whether or not this was satire. The "I suggest you educate yourself on the occupy movement and start from there" feels like the key.

I think we all know that you didn't.

Thank you for disabusing me of the notion that urine is sterile!

This is a pretty shocking lack of internet research for an internet columnist.

It's the fact that Secret Service agents were disciplined for this same action, but the kid wasn't, compounded by the fact that his father was a relatively high profile donor. Is it important? NOPE! Does it give the news cycle a popcorn issue to talk about? Sure does!

I'd say you don't actually get what it means to be a Browns fan. DECADES OF CRUSHING DISAPPOINTMENT. Optimism isn't even a word to look up any more. It's so foreign we/they (I quit after last season so I feel kind of fake acting like I'm on the sad train) don't even recognize it as language.

Ugh! Nothing ruins sex like good communication, right? Wait...

Excellent homophone confusion.

This gives me a lot of hope for the future. Thank you.

Goodnight Moon is upsetting, but not because of the mush. It's upsetting because of "Goodnight nobody."