That’s his life plan.

More like the Fart of the Repeal, ammirite?

Time to roll down to Mar a Lago and cry this one out

HAHAH AHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAH AHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHA HAHAHA HAH HAHAH HAHAH HAH AHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA HAH HAHA

What about the sugar cookies?!? Can we still have those?!?

The top of my eight year old’s calendar (if she crossed it out, maybe she wouldn’t get in trouble?):

His report will be turned over to his replacement which is a paper shredder.

SELFIEEEEEEE

Missed a spot.

when the facts don’t fit the narrative

Read the report prepared by the DoJ. All the witnesses and the autopsy prove Darren Wilson’s version of events. This is not an opinion, its fact.

Michael brown was shot to death after he charged a police officer, which happened after Brown assaulted the officer in his car and tried to reach for his gun, according to multiple African American eye witnesses. The case caused an outcry when Brown’s friend lied through his teeth and said Brown did nothing wrong and…

There’s a recipe for armadillo that requires a nice cedar plank. You clean and place the armadillo meat on that plank and then spice the hell out of it. Stick the meat and the plank on the grill for about 4 hours, take it out of the fire, place the armadillo carefully in the trash can and eat the board.

You’re close:

Burned? Gotta dump that in that E.T. Atari pit.

They were all actually part of a secret chemtrail op. The 777 was dropping the epoxy resin, the fighters the hardener. And now all Germany is immobilized, ready for Putin’s tanks.... True story.

One time I was on 6AM flight and the dude sitting next to me ate a can of tuna fish and three hard boiled eggs for breakfast. That definitely deserved having the cops called.

Glad everything turned out ok, but let’s not pretend those German Typhoons were there to ensure the safety of the flight and its passengers.

Really this should be retitled: “How to use zip ties as more or less intended, make your shit look cheap, and make stupid versions of extremely cheap things”.

And now we honor your grandfather’s sacrifice by celebrating 50 years of the Enterprise! Those brave souls boldly went where no man had gone before!