The book is truly hilarious. Once I had bought a replacement copy (but luckily I found my original one because it was the signed one from Neil Gaiman) and was laughing so much reading it in a restaurant that the waitress asked what it was. I ended up reading her the first page and a half and she had a giggling fit.

AHHHHHHH

YIKES

God, I haven’t had a cinnamon roll since forever.

Do you have somebody to help you out, sweetie? Seriously, if you’re hurt make sure somebody’s not only bringing you barbecue but is checking on you in general!

It makes really good spaghetti sauce though. My secret ingredients for spaghetti sauce are bacon, cream and ginger.

You two should get together and play dollhouse!

And are best for burgers. Double period.

All melons are the C- lame ass living with their parents of the fruit world. 

All beer tastes like straw and all wine tastes like tannins.

Oh you would not BELIEVE the crap I’ve had requested as toppings on pizzas. Wolfgang Puck and his fey creations did more harm than can be calculated.

Ranch belongs on salad. Period.

Eh, I work every Memorial Day weekend, and Labor Day weekend and just about every holiday except Fourth of July, Thanksgiving and Christmas. When I went in for my dental appointment and the hygienist asked me what I was doing I was totally confused for a second.

So, it’s the Autobahn but very dinky and only for one car at a time and underground and only for a couple of miles?

I think it’s more like if he  could get into Japan, he can also get into other countries with great ease.

Yes, contact them! This might have been a trial run to see how easy it is to travel internationally.

As long as he ends up in a prison infirmary I’m for it.

Basically, the humanity-old notion that we aren’t quite real without being famed for something (see: Ancient Greece, etc) has been turned up way past eleven in our society, as the confluence of reality TV and social media have produced a nightmarish hellscape where being noticed, even for a fraction of an instant, can…

Rocks will thank you to keep their good names out of this.

He really should stop looking into the mirror when he talks/sits on the can tweeting.