This is my father.

All these years of him trying to shock and awe us. And all it would have taken was a smile.

He looks exactly like my friend Misty when she got super drunk at Grad Night and saw her ex kissing a girl from another school and cried through her mascara and wiped her eyes like "Whatever. I'm fine! Let's go on Space Mountain!" And then she threw up.

He's the visual equivalent of reaching under your seat and finding a tiny piece of snot.

YES. I worked with someone once who chewed like this, even with gum, which she had constantly and chewed with her mouth open! Nom slurp spit noise nom slurp nom all freaking day >:|

I'm basically a Hoover. Like, when I eat a veggie burger (which I typed as vaggie burger and then giggled because I am 12), it never touches the plate again once it's in my hand. Also because I take condiments very seriously so my burgers are sloppy, but mostly the fast eating. My lunches at work take longer to heat…

I can't be in the same vicinity as someone eating a banana. It's like, just goopy mouth noises, nonstop. HOW IS THE SOUND ESCAPING YOUR HEAD?

Oh that misery! I experience that earlier this year. My dogs took one look at me and actually ran away. One was kind enough to bring his squeaky toy and left it to cheer me up.

I can't breathe omg

I once had the boyfriend of a friend of mine TELL ME that period shits were not a thing. He was in med school (i.e. thought he knew everything) and was like, "No, it's not possible that being on your period affects the texture and consistency of your poops." And we were like,…

Mental image. No. Noooo. Noooooooo!

or when you get up before him, make breakfast, come back into the bedroom, and realize as soon as you walk through the door that you spent the whole night sleeping in his fartcloud, but just acclimated to it (full disclosure: not married)

Period diarrhea... on a heavy flow day. The WORST. But I always look when I flush... it's like Bluebeard

Ahhh the peanut butter and jelly wipe <3

Or throwing up and stuff wants to come out the other end as well, so you need to sit on the toilet and hold a garbage can in your hands. I fucking hate it when that happens.

Aww boo. Do you get that feeling like 2 days into a sickness that you should just stop drinking because eventually your body has to run out of fluid to make liquid nastiness with? Like, you'd be a dried up husk, but at least everything wouldn't be fucking running all the time?

I thought all she ever did before she got married was sit around and pose. Not seeing a difference between #wifelife and #singlelife.

Only if you stare at him adoringly

I am super into it, unabashedly. Can you IMAGINE what the average syllable-per-sentence count would be in that conversation?

He looks pretty young here. Not nearly as grizzled as other recent shots of him. Hats off to Paper's photoshop crew yet again (I guess....?).