I think mine would start with "What do I have to do to get more massages?"

Then I'd agree to anything that followed because... massages.

I appreciated the subtle Scotch Egg In the Breakroom reference. Nailed it.

Marines have the highest percentage of sexual assaults on women (followed by Navy, then Army, then Air Force), adjusting for total number of women in each branch I still don't think the Navy would even come close to making up 2/3 of assaults. I've seen that number in reference to the amount of women retaliated against…

Women joined the USS Wyoming in 2011, no one was filmed until 2013 and it was 1 pervy guy out of 150 with 11 more who might have seen the videos, plus the one man reported it. It immediately became a big fucking deal and was condemned by the vast majority of military personnel who were equally shocked by the whole…

Is this... a suction cup? Is that cranemobile being held to the earth with a freaking suction cup?? I'm guessing the driver forgot to lick it before he slapped it onto the street.

Don't the trans fats and nitrates in pizza cancel out the toxins in plastic? Like, they fight each other on a molecular level until all poisons are dead on the battlefield and flavor triumphs? I think that's how science works.

Going to conduct a study called "If you microwave an iphone, watch it spark and burst into flames, then wonder aloud whether it might damage the microwave... you might already be stupid"

Oooof my bad. Thanks for clarifying.

Posting when tired/flu-ish is worse than drunk posting, I swear. Sending my ass to bed now.

I understand what you're saying but it's kind of a weird analogy to compare the situations of unarmed black people being shot to a couple of armed white men who did a thing at Chipotle that one time and lived, no? I doubt those guys could pull that stunt multiple times in different cities without getting killed.

Anyway…

Yep. Young looking grandmother, too. I was picturing a gray-haired old woman but if this pic and the photo above in the article were the only ones posted, I would be so confused as to who was daughter/mother/grandmother. At least her t-shirt clears things up.

PS- I can't read all the writing on that shirt but let's all…

Chicken Divan. Boiled chicken, frozen broccoli (drained- this recipe leaves that part out), mayo and Velveeta mothafuckin' cheese. It is the best worst thing I make and everyone loves it. No one wants to like Velveeta, but they doooooo! http://www.cooks.com/recipe/946ck23…

Totally random factoids from my sister who just moved from the US to Perth last month- most of the apartments she looked at renting did not come with a fridge, they're BYOfridge. And they pay rent weekly or bi-weekly instead of monthly. Plus buying a car is super expensive and public transport wherever she is in Perth…

I think it might have been cheaper to charter a private jet.

Seriously almost wrote about the "wooden spoon" instead of a switch! Glad to know grandmas everywhere roll with The Spoon.

Well, not glad exactly but... you know.

Because if she wasn't white, she probably wouldn't have been able to get a cab in the middle of the night.

Definitely.
*commits grand larceny*
*gets called daring/resourceful instead of a thug*

A lot of elderly people keep large amounts of cash in their homes like this. Ever try convincing an 80 year old to give all their money to a bank in exchange for one of them new-fangled debit card thingies and explaining that they can trust a bank/the Depression will not happen again? It is not easy.

Went through this…

Arkansas grandma said the most granny-like thing possible: "Run outside and get me a switch"

I cannot relate to this. At all. On any level.

I feel badly for the granny (and all other elderly people who lose their life-savings-in-a-sock-drawer or mattress cash stashes and never get them back). Won't somebody please think of the grandparents?!

Yeahhh gotta go with this. Only seen a few clips of her talking and it was always about something gnarly like her neck crust, that infected foot that was surrounded by gnats (?!), stuff about farting, etc.

None of my "ick" feelings are even remotely about her weight. Even the hottest person in the world with a fitness…