“The President will be too busy admitting to more illegal actions via Twitter to make it to Alabama”

Medicine is the Illuminati brainwashing us!

10 to 1 the driver was distracted. By what, you ask? Checking their EMAILS!

100% comfortable saying if my cat jumped in bed with his head stuck in a mayo jar, his ass deserved it and id be 100% equally cool letting him wear it for a day in the hopes he’d learn a lesson I damn well know he won’t learn.

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

Feel blessed. My cat is obsessed with soft hooman tissue, but only when we’re mid great night sleep.

I would like to answer all pending questions this blog post posed.

We survived the Bowling Green Massacre....so...there’s that, I guess?

“The White House defended Living Crusty Cum-sock’s comments by clarifying Pocahontas was a sneaky Indian.”

Your invitation just gave me a mild panic attack. Who has money for covfefe? And we’d be in public surrounded by people??!? How are we getting to said covfefe place? WHAT IF SOMEONE IM ACTIVELY AVOIDING HAPPENS TO BE THERE!

Never thought of it that way! It actually adds an interesting perspective; are they targeting individuals of child-related stuff because, fuck, methodically destroying/abusing a kid is 10 kinds of fucked up, a retaliation for what they went through personally, or some wild mix of both?

I come for the articles, but I stay for the fish porn.

“Alright, let’s get to work on that shaft!”

I’ve always suspected jizz sheets are what reside in the mythical Beyond section of Bed, Bath & Beyond.

“I also made a friend who gives me facials”

By my understanding, there is some kind of ‘moral code’ in prison, and anything related to kids is at the top of that list. This dude will be lucky if he makes it a week.

Tell your brain that every time it wants to start being stupid, youll subject it to Let It Go on repeat for 15 min.

I tell them I’m still working on strengthening my child beating arm. Can’t be unprepared!

Two and a half months ago, I broke my collar bone while biking because the BACK wheel popped off. Like, da faq? That’s not a thing that happens to anyone. Ever.

Get a big butterfly net and catch a guy. Everyone knows that men can’t escape butterfly nets.