Look man, I will drag Philly fans with the anybody, but that asshole Santa had it coming. Fucking disgrace to the red suit!

I looked up his injury on WebMD. He has cancer, i’m pretty sure.

White to the point of appearing translucent and gives you an orgasm? Honey, you’re English. That’s just your hand.

I wonder if some of those drivers were stoned.

I could do a GoFundMe: “Hate me? Let’s all chip in to get rid of me nonviolently.” It writes itself really.

I guess Judge Roy Moore isn’t on the list because running an ice cream truck doesn’t net you much money.

Welcome to Alabama

9/11 was a false flag OP so that President Hillary could get elected again in ‘04, take our guns away and declare Sharia Law the Supreme law of the land.

I would like to create a child.

We do, actually.

I liked Ken Box more

According to WebMD, I have prostate and ovarian cancer, and so does my unicorn sidekick. Very sad.

Right back atcha, dude.

The unpredictability of ass cheeks has been a problem for far too long. I say we take a stand by having a seat—cut them off at the source!

This will never not make me laugh.

I wish this were untrue, but as a parent I can cormfim that my toddler will and would rather play with whatever random box or piece of paper is laying close to them that they’ve never seen before...instead of the 84 toys she has.