And I just want a machine gun, a tank, and a bomb to complete my weapon collection. What an argument! 

“My cousin’s best friend took her baby for vaccines, and eighteen years later, he was eaten by a tiger!”

Those aren’t what I’d call ‘strong’ mustaches.

Tee-hee!  Honestly, sometimes I’d just settle for rule of the scientists.  At least they will not govern via conspiracy theories.

Exactly... that’s what they do.  Every news channel is chasing breaking news, and if you turn to FOX, it’ll be discussing the war on christmas, an illegal immigrant stealing food, CLINTON CLINTON CLINTON, OBAMA, OBAMA, OBAMA....But never ever the breaking news the makes Dump look bad.

My next D&D character is going to be named Hogan Gidley now.

Us too....it’s a fucking mess. OPM already takes forever for background checks, and now we have this. It’s thrown all sorts of fun wrenches into our system.

Hamberders are expensive.

Fuck you, Jupiter, with your “I have my own gravitational pull” bullshit. All bodies with mass have their own gravitational pull. It’s call elementary principles of Newtonian physics.

You can open for my band, Too Late for Kegels. 

Expecto patronum...?

I’m not even sure it’s alive in the photo. 

She is seconds away from baring her teeth and hissing like a pissy cat.

That’s the most authentic smile I’ve seen from her. 

I could totally see that happening. He’s absolutely stupid enough to pay for it.

Gingerbread men/women/people are pretty much all gender neutral unless you’re making some anatomically correct cookies

We dread the destruction that will come when the bulldozers arrive, which could be as early as February. That loud, heavy machinery will cause irreparable damage to the habitat we’ve worked so hard to restore.

You could have slept with Sarah Huckabee? Not my cup of tea but you do you Rear Admirial, you sly dog.

My ejaculation was violent. Before anybody could react it had already broken a beer bottle and threatened the bartender. When somebody tried to deescalate the situation, my ejaculation grabbed them by the throat and threw them onto the beer splattered floor. Later on my ejaculation was seen entering a convenient…