Drink more covfeve. It calms the nerves while contemplating all the smocking guns.

Stop jumping the gun, you ass. We’re only on the first day. 

When will people learn that where there is smoke there is fire (or witches)?

On the first day of Christmas, Bob Mueller gave to me
One locked up Cohen
And a barrage of mad-Dotart Tweets

Right? Muck’s such a moran!

I will forever blame her and Nicki Minaj for introducing me to the phrase ‘dick bicycle.’

Russian: “I’m not hanging noodles on your ears.”

I choose to blame the Tide Pods for looking so delicious rather than the teen that ate them.

Office? Yes. Workout room? Yes. Library? Yes. Bar/pool room? Yes. I’ll start making shit up if the place is big enough.

HACK THE PLANET!!!

My dream is that she gets truly healthy and happy and then gets RDJ/Ironman type role that places her right back in the game.

“We make the finest and cleanest product in the world”

I would read this.

Officer, it’s only right that you let me finish sewing my human-skin suit so that I can wear it to court before you arrest me!

That child looks appropriately horrified.

We’re subconsciously embarrassed by our moobs. If it were an author writing a true male character, you’d get something like:

Hope that vagina has a significant amount of ullage, because I’m about to empty these tanks *ominously dons lab coat and goggles*

Some of these could make for pretty hilarious madlibs though..