I never get invited to any cool sex cults :( All I got was this stupid time share.

Yo...why you trashing Lord Zorp?!? Lord Zorp is our tentacled lord and savior!

This sounds like that Vector knife-set pyramid crew. Those fuckers recruited RUTHLESSLY at my campus.

(Posted this before) I’ve been working my ass off since 8ish. Started a lawn care company with my neighbor. We called ourselves S&M Services.

3....2...1....NIGHTMARE START!

change your stupid ass name

“Your honor, this is clearly a case of fake rape”

LOOK AT THOSE FLOOFY PAWS!

Farmers are the most successful farmers on the planet!

There’s only one liquor store in the state of MA that matters. Which is of course Bunghole Liquors in Salem.

Total Wine to the rescue!

“and from senior White House adviser Kellyanne Conway, who urged broke the fucking law and begged everyone to “go buy Ivanka’s stuff” in a televised interview.”

But can’t she just, you know, fuck off all together?

Delaware has 300sqft buildings with 9,000 LLC’s housed in it (obviously I’m exaggerating the number, but not by much)

What do you do if you’re walking down a pier and one of them dock-hops between you and land!!?! Do you just...like...lay down and accept that death is inevitable?

“Hey baby, heard you’d like to check out my Astonmartin bits”

My partner and I just separated after six and a half years. There was no animosity or anything like that, but having to go through a divorce just because we realized we’re not in the same place anymore would have sucked. Financially and also divorce-sucksally.

Listen, I fucking love meeses, but I’m 97.84% convinced there’s a trigger in their brain that sees a road and immediately goes “Yo, I’mma FUCK someone’s day up!”

Meese are my favorite animal all time, alongside platypeeses, but those fuckers are SCARY.

You’re giving me mildly terrifying “Not Another Teen Movie” flashbacks.