You know how in The Nightmare Before Christmas when The Oogie Boogie Man’s skin container suit rips and out spills a bunch of bugs and grossness? That’s basically how I see Ted Cruz.

Jesus, this is such a depressingly accurate portrayal of being a woman. Is 9 am too early to dive into a bottle of vodka?

I’d be all for it if they’d include a note saying that it’s free of charge, since they’re worried he might not be worth as much as he says.

I think he’s gonna need a little more than that.

Would toss in all Libertarian Bros for Nimoy and Bowie.

I would be willing to trade the entire GOP for Alan Rickman to come back.

Sinkhole 2016

I mean, at least get some alliteration in there with Megyn the Maniac or something.

One time I was watching a sportsball game with a friend and he hated both teams. Out of curiosity I asked him who he was rooting for. His response? “The clock.” I feel sort of that way when I’m forced to pick sides between Megyn Kelly and Donald Trump. Who am I rooting for? A sinkhole.

I still watch that movie. A true classic.

Beware a couple days after the Ides of March?

I had a former college friend who was part of Mars Hill. We were friends right up until she started trying to recruit me into her cult. Suddenly I turned into Simon Cowell. “It’s a no from me.”

My best friend has worked in the restaurant industry for years and this is the knife he uses when he uses a paring knife (usually he uses a chef’s knife).

My best friend has worked in the restaurant industry for years and this is the knife he uses when he uses a paring…

I AM SO JEALOUS.

I never liked Chiarello when he was on Top Chef Masters. He clearly had a pretty big ego and got after an assistant chef for not knowing his name or not being able to pronounce it correctly. (I can’t remember which.)

Am I your kiddo? Because seriously, this is me to a T, including the Europe thing. The only difference is that my parents are still married.

Honestly I’m more disappointed that it’s another Harvard alum. Harvard, Yale, Harvard, Yale...Remember when we went crazy and nominated a Stanford alum for the court? That shit was cray.

I always had that problem as a kid. I am fine with certain textures on their own, but squish ‘em together and I just really don’t want to eat whatever it is.

I really don’t see anyone arguing that the punishment is fair by objective standards, because it’s not. But it’s a very dangerous and stupid thing to do and this kid had plenty of fair warning and now he is asking the US to make some potentially very consequential concessions to come get him when he was only too…

I wouldn’t at all consider it victim blaming. It’s like that tourist from last year who got gored by a bison getting too close while taking a selfie. Sometimes an action is so beyond stupid and full of hubris that you can really only ask “what did you expect?” On one hand, I do feel bad for him and his family, but on…