What even is that horrid short length?! These are athletes. Give me thigh or give me death!

Okay, so this is brilliant. But be honest, how long have you been waiting to use it?

Whatever you guys are paying Diana, it's not enough.

For a minute there I thought you weren’t really pregnant but told her that you were in order to keep her where she’s supposed to be. I’m glad I was mistaken!

I do a mean Sister Christian.

Hi Jezzies! What are you up to tonight? Netflix PSA - Best in Show and the Princess Bride are both streaming now, so that basically sums up my plans for tonight (adding in some time to pump breastmilk, enjoy a couple of glasses of champagne, and chill with my cranky 7 week old baby.)

We changed our half bath into a full bath. The first time my husband called the master bath, “your bathroom,” it came as a surprise, but I got used to it quickly.

I live for this shit. Have to say I like Weingartner’s design better, if only because the Draper James font is hideous.

Why are ugly clothes so fucking expensive?

That $2,700 jacket looks like something you’d buy in a Wal-Mart in Daytona Beach, FL, and mainly bc you didn’t pack the right clothes for Spring Break and it got chilly one night and you don’t want to invest a lot of money in a jacket you’ll never wear again so you figure OK, I’ll be funny and ironic.

Bwahahaha. I would have guessed that jacket came from an airbrush tee shirt stand on Venice Beach. Or Miami Beach.

people are mad because Christianity tells them to be.

ITS ALWAYS A KONTEST

The nurse called with the test results right before Christmas weekend? Gifts of the magi; gold, frankincense, and chlamydia.

I have (kind of) a shameful confession: I have been kind of obsessed with the idea of farting into the air vent at home to see if it will echo around the house. But it would have to be a big one. I find this equally hilarious and disgusting. I can just imagine the reactions from the people I live with... I don’t think…

My kid is going to be born in 10 weeks or fewer, and all I care about is making the bathroom extra Ponyo themed.

Today’s attitude:

Cool, now bring back Happy Endings!

Irresponsible speculation- I’m getting a bipolar vibe from Kanye. I hope he is okay.

Eh, I got married because I got pregnant, at 20. We married after our son was born when we were 21 and 22. Lots of hardships, to say the least. We learned (after the fact) that guests actually took bets as to how long our marriage would last. Six months was at the top end with a few being generous at one year. We are…