I know right. Now he's just being an overachiever. And yet, I can't stop reading his madness!

You'd think by now I would have learned to avoid reading half the stuff he writes! Nope.

I haven't played with a penis in a long time, but I'm pretty sure you should wash that daily. Are you having sexy times with a partner? I'm sure they would appreciate it as well.

Wait, you don't just do it every day? I thought we were supposed to do it every day.

Gross explanation by medical student:

"I'm sorry that that somehow happened" is the new "I'm sorry you were offended"!

You've ruined this article. Are you happy?

Yeah, I don't hate it. She's been married before—- and it was about her then. Now, it's about all of them, so that's a super cute way to involve them.

Am I nuts or is that dress a little circa '97 Delia's catalog in the bodice? Not that I'm complaining.

I know it's wrong, but I love to put a fried egg on top of my waffle, pour syrup on top of the whole thing, and have it with bacon. If that's wrong, I don't want to be right.

I have eaten the bread at the bottom of the bacon-pan. This was from a caterer who was acting fancier than they were. The grease-soppin' bread was better than the bacon itself. I figured, they owe me some delicious form of heartstopper, and if they have shitty bacon, one does what one can.

NO. NOT THIS TIME. I'M RECLAIMING BUTT IMPALINGS.

I am such a bad person. When I read just those three words, I almost thought this was going to be one of those weird "Shrayber Sex Stories" Mark has become famous for.

Dear Proofer. NO. And don't call me dearie.

I'm not sure why it makes me so happy she said "nip this in the bud" instead of "nip this in the butt" but it does.

And hacking and releasing someone's private photos is also illegal. The point is that you can't say that you value privacy when it impacts you, then suddenly not value privacy when you want fap material.

Yup! "Enjoy whichever of the holidays coming up in the next few weeks that you happen to give a fuck about!" Except shorter.

Anyone who ruins the reputation of the name "Cameron" should get punched in the face by Bianca at the prom.

"Who knows what "Happy Holidays" even means??"

BRAD PITT'S EX-WIFE?!