Either Rand Paul has a terrible memory, or he has such low self esteem that he considers himself "nobody,"

Long ago I reserved this tumblr... http://aynrandpaulryangosling.tumblr.com

I don't know what I would do if I couldn't tolerate HBC. I feel for you ladies.

Yes, we are completely unaware and didn't realize the most basic of contraceptive options available over the counter existed for our use until one brave rando on the internet brought it up. Thank you, you've changed EVERYTHING.

[Editor's Note - "Pouring One Out" is not an effective method of birth control.]

Have you seen the Twitter and Facebook comments from the ignorant buffoons, because the AMERICAN doctor was brought back to AMERICA to receive treatment? I can't wait for that big ass Asteroid to hit this planet and destroy everything.

She should go make her daughter listen to all of Sonic Youth's early records or something. Like a detox.

Never mind his turtle dying. I'd make his *snake* die, nom sayin?

It's a really fucking tragic commentary on one's social skills when a turtle-infection anecdote is the smoothest part of a pickup attempt.

I'm hardly pure of mind, but there was just no chance I was going to guess that punchline from the opening. I was like, "well Mark, it's a weird pickup line, but not gross. Just random." Then I read on and now I feel gross and sad.

Before everyone tells me it may not be his fault the turtle died, know: I have no sympathy for this turtle murderer.

SO. You killed a turtle through your own negligence AND you're a creepy douchebag. I think I won the lottery!

I think someone here is a Belieber!

Perhaps not. I also don't use "vagina" to refer to my ovaries. Apples and oranges. Does a guy ever say "my vas deferens itches?" No.

Really? You were really confused? Are you an extremely literal person? How do you do with metonymy? When you read "The White House today said..." do you wonder how a house can talk?

If you can't visualize what I'm describing....I don't know how to explain it to you. You can indeed expose the very beginning of the vagina without tools. I don't mean just spreading your inner labia and revealing your urethra.

Curl them under. PROTECT YOUR KNEES and use them for leverage.

I think orgasm faces are great. But you know what isn't sexy (to me) but is funny and ridiculous (objectively speaking)? Tittyfucking, that's what. Someday I will write an ode to tittyfucking and get it carved on my gravestone.

"...but this is the US where illness is a bad choice made by the patient."