THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER

Once?

I once ate an entire box of Fruit by the Foots for dinner, so I really can’t criticize anyone else’s culinary preferences.

Lauren,

Absurdist here. Absurdity works best with unique creatures whose traits are previously undefined like the Phanatic, Youppi!, Snuffleupagus, Sweetums, etc. Otherwise you just become a weird-sun-with-legs-for-some-reason:

I thought that the other Gruden coached the Redskins.

Good haka.

Sure lots of snakes don’t have arms or legs traditionally. But this one is an adder. 

The feeling is mutual I am a vikings fan afterall.

you can’t hurt me, i’m already dead

The good thing about Packers fans is that you only have to listen to their gloating for an average of 45 years before the cheese finally does them in and their hearts explode.  

Packer fan here. I utterly despise the Bears and every single one of their fans.

Bought my Mack jersey last night during halftime as I excitedly talked to my wife about how I haven’t had this much fun watching a Bears game in a decade and that we are finally good again.

Branching family trees?

There’s one way to identify yourself as an outsider to residents of Appalachia

You’re a security guard stuck in the rain at an 8 hour Dolphins game, you’re “pants-won’t-stay-up” fat, your crappy poncho makes you the wrong kind of wet, and now you have to chase down a happy, healthy, wealthy 10-year-old whose life is already more interesting than yours will ever be. What’s that suicide hotline…

I’m calling it now: The Browns are going 0-0-16 this season. 

I need Ovechkin to have baptized his kid in the cup, possibly showing up on Nathan Walker’s cup day to do so. I need him to have called Walker like “NATHAN, I COME TO AUSTRALIA, DUNK BABY IN CUP, THEN WE DO SHOTS AND HUG KANGAROO, OK SEE YOU SOON.” I just...I need to believe in magic.

That’s great and all, but how many days are in a week?