Don was a child from my first marriage, which was very insignificant. A lot of people may not even remember my first marriage. I do because I have a very big brain and remember everything. But a lot of people don’t remember it, ok. Don lived with me for a very, ugh, very, very short time in the 1980s but I didn’t know…

I was going to comment something on this, but seriously, I can’t think of anything better than “VIETNAM MOTHERFUCKERS”.

‘Don’t know him. Never met him. I think he worked on the campaign at the beginning. Getting coffee.’

And Mookie Betts will now start his bidding at $400 million. And damn he deserves it.

Trout’s deal will be in the $40M/year range. Even with the soft collusion happening between teams, Trout’s talent and production are so clearly ahead of everyone else that one team will break ranks and just throw the checkbook at him.

My brain read “Spa-Gate” as a super stereotypical Italian pronunciation of “spaghetti” (spah-get). Yes, my brain is broken. No, I won’t do anything to fix that.

It’s like having the picture in picture window on face time, but instead of showing my face, it’s a camera view of my soul.

It’s on all his articles and gets me weird looks from passerby at my desk.  Makes me halve my window for the text view only.  Wouldn’t mind as much if it wasn’t there for every. single. article.

I too am a billionaire if you estimate the value of my brand at $4 billion. Please don’t make me own the Bills.

“The militant toddlers, with their creamed-peas agendas!  They want to force everybody to watch Teletubbies!  WAKE UP SHEEPLE!”

Is there any precedent in the modern age for what’s happening to the American conservative movement right now? I mean, it’s been going down the shitter for longer than I’ve been alive, but holy shit, this last decade.

That piece was so bad, I think it gave me cancer!

I dunno if I can ever leave. 

Yeah can we circle back please and also get some bandaids for our hemorrhaging brain lobes

They tried to book Sisqo, but he canceled last week when he could no longer see that Thon.

Anyway this is a doofus who could not even stage a concert for rich people in the Bahamas without it turning into an actual humanitarian crisis; if he wants to apply the kiss of death to the Timberwolves, he should cut an Instagram story promoting their season-ticket packages.

Did anyone kill their father, sleep with their mother, and then blind themselves over this?  Because that would be a tragedy.

Clearly he’s never been to a Knicks game. 

So her dedication to the memory of St. Ronald knows no bounds…

Peggy Noonan, a virtual reality headset that allows the user to see the world through the view of Ronald Reagan’s corpse