...And this is still a shitty, buzzfeed-style article.

Time to deploy the shock troops.

When I got a clearance as a lowly E1 seaman, private investigators went to my hometown and interviewed friends, family and previous employers.

How very buzzfeed.

Your brother? That motherfucker still owes me five dollars.

Can I turn them in for cash? Any amount is fine.

In my shitty little eastern city they enacted advanced technology to avoid all of this. Bridges and tunnels.

1. Be the one clown who orders a sunroof

Are Sansabelt slacks still a thing? If so, I'm in.

You would think so, but those stupid fuckers are always blocking a charging station somewhere.

You’re talking to yourself.

It is the laziest, most poorly executed television season ever made.

Starbucks does a thing similar to Kopi Luwak. Instead of civets they use baristas.

Music licensing is often the issue.

The fifth season of Arrested Development is exactly where it belongs.

I also believe my OCD is worthy of publishing.

Steal that one thing and you are fucked.

I assumed we replaced squeezing beaver buttholes with different chemistry shenanigans ages ago.

This is like adding Bluetooth to mousetraps. Possible? Sure. Meaningless? Yes.

And?