A thousand years Rick and Morty.

Uhmmm nice try but there’s no way you’re going to distract me from that crazy wooden keyboard behind you.

Eggs go in the fridge in America, because they're washed in processing, which washes away the natural cuticle and leaves all the little pores in the eggshell wide open to let in bacteria. The reason they aren't refrigerated in other countries is that they aren't washed, so you might get a bit of dirt on your shell but…

I grew up pretty broke and use those sell by dates as a guideline. Mostly I do a “sniff” test or poke around at the food and observe the texture. My husband grew up upper middle class. He acts like the sell by date is the law. Also anyone else grow up just cutting mold off cheese instead of throwing the whole piece…

I think my casual disregard for expiration dates and my unwavering belief that as long as it doesn’t smell bad it’s fine has made my immune system a force to be reckoned with.

Especially because she’s probably saying that because she’s told others who have not believed her. It happened to me several times after I was raped; I told a guy friend about it probably 6 months later and he basically said “yeah, I just don’t think it really happened the way you say it did.” That conversation has…

What are the odds of BOTH parents dying at once? Even if something that awful DID happen, you’d have the perfect sitcom pitch. “What happens when two selfish MILLENIALS have to care for seven grief-stricken orphans? HILARITY! That’s what.”

So this is how the machines rise against us. Huh. I always thought it would be the photo kiosks at Walmart.

Oh my god. Will people just fucking stop with this? Heads up, the reason people call you a racist isn’t because people are big meany doo-doo heads. Words mean things. It’s OKAY to call people out on their racist bullshit. If you’re insulted by being called a racist, you’re the one with the fucking problem.

Millennials are quirky and self-deprecating narcissists with big dreams

This is the face my little sister made when she pooped her diaper as a child.

Oh hooray. I love when people with vast riches tell me what to buy that won’t take my whole paycheck. They always demonstrate a really good understanding of what an average person’s paycheck is like. It’s never a recommendation that I buy 600$ jeans and 300$ tank tops. And they always direct me to businesses that I…

Why did it have to be a seafood truck.

Okay but he looks like a new character addition on Degrassi here.

Actual picture of Taylor Swift.

I’m a family law attorney, and my office has been up in arms about this all week.

Shut your stupid fucking mouth, you trust fund, nepotistic, born into privilege, entitled, condescending, disingenous, pretending to be Mexican, piece of shit.

Eh, to me Chelsea looks like what would happen if you combined Bill and Hilary’s faces, but who knows. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Still not seeing the irony.

...I don’t see the irony?