So this is more like a lie I made my sister believe, because I was the evil manipulative yarn-spinning older sister and she was my gullible cooperative sidekick, but:

Nah, I’m talking a straight up t-shirt. Usually a little too long too, so it kinda dangles down into everything.

Yeah man. My ex used to like to keep his shirt and socks on during sex. THE WORST. I would always pull his shirt off once he was already distracted by the banging.

Glad it worked out for you. Not divorced, but this is the first holiday I’ve had since breaking up with my partner of six years. I spent nearly every Thanksgiving (and a Christmas or two) with him and his family while we were together because I was living in another state and could never get time off to travel to be…

Oh Jesus. I empathize. My mom is a tiny little white lady from the Midwest who thinks she can make lots of Mexican jokes because her friends are Mexican American (this is actually true though! We live in south Texas about 3 hours from the border and the population is of a majority Hispanic/Mexican origin). No, mom,…

It’s okay if you cook it to shit in broth or gravy until it basically doesn’t taste or have the texture of celery anymore. I made a roast and was puzzled that the recipe called for celery sticks, but they were basically a gravy vehicle.

Yeah dude. I am 5’11 with a stature that could be generously described as “Amazonian.” It is an odd experience to live life as a giant woman. I just thank God my mom gave me big boobs and a pretty face.

Also a good one I forgot: I got the worst flu of my life my junior year of college. I was in bed for days and my face would not stop leaking and my brains were mashed potatoes. But it was the middle of spring semester and I had to do a Spanish oral exam in the Spanish Conversation and Composition class I was barely…

In my early 20s I worked a newspaper job where I was supervised by a super mean, abusive editor who would just pick somebody on the staff that she didn’t like and gun for them super hard, constantly shitting on their work, calling them out for little mistakes, calling them in for meetings and asking them if they…

Haha. My friends in college moved into a rental house that they loved because it was close to campus and had a big fenced in yard and was really cheap. But the first night they moved in they invited me over to smoke weed and get the tour and I immediately discovered the trapdoor that went to the crawl space under the…

Yeah, I was gonna say. I used to work in a newsroom and I had to do this all the time. I can’t say if this is true for all newsrooms — some of them probably have people to screen calls for them — but people treated the small town daily where I worked like the information service. And since we served the community, I…

Apparently “Plus Size” is “Average dude who likes beer” size.

I’d tell Bobby Jindal to go home, but no one wants him there. He somehow managed to take a complete dump on a state that was already at the bottom of national rankings to begin with, and make this home state full of conservative Republicans hate him despite his constant vomiting of far-right party line. This dude can…

uuuugh I remember the time I figured out my cat had worms because I picked her up and felt something squishy on my hand and it was a TAPE WORM SEGMENT THAT HAD COME FROM HER BUTT NOOOO cats are gross

Oh shit dude, I grew up in south Texas, also a land of giant flying cockroaches, and one of my worst memories is shaking out a newspaper to read it one morning while I was in my pajamas and having a giant roach fall out into my lap and crawl up my nightshirt. I FEEL YOU.

Haha. I guess I’m glad to know this is a thing. After my parents had to remove the cockroach hive I was kinda like DUH ITS GROSS TO LEAVE HONEY IN YOUR WALLS but I can’t say I’d have thought of that as I was panicking to have a beehive removed from my home.

omg. I got a Hersey’s ad before this... corporate might want to look into that.

My parents were raised in poor families and do tough/gross work (my mom is an OR nurse and my dad is a biologist who works in the tropics). They give zero fucks and fogged the shit out of their walls with chemicals and removed the beehive and considered it solved. I, unfortunately, am a soft-ass wussy who can’t be in…

There was at first, but apparently it faded with time? And I’m sad to admit that part of my parents’ adventures in rural living has included multiple animals, including possums and baby raccoons, getting trapped in their walls and dying so they’re.... used to it? It’s a good thing animals don’t have ghosts, is all I’m…

Jesus Christ.