Exactly. The first time your toddler pulls off a real, adult vomit instead of baby spit up, and you’re not ready, it’s a fucking revelation. Source: my kid went full-on exorcist on me last week.

I used to have a roommate who would REGULARLY take enormous monster shits that were so huge they would literally fill the bowl and then stick up out of the water, and then he would leave them unflushed. Regularly.

To any new parents out there, “spit up” sucks, but we’re talking full on, regular people food chunk-blowin’. My boy got a daycare stomach virus the other week that spread to my wife and me. We were the Griffin family on ipecac. He barfed on my wife twice, and in his crib twice, and I thank god that was it. He…

All I think about is training. I want to train so hard that police have to arrest me when I lift weights because when I lift them I throw them into space and that is theft or at least destruction of property in many many states but my defense attorney also trains extremely hard so I usually get out of the charges and…

I am going to star every one who has a different pronunciation of Peabody for autological reasons.

Nah. There are far more generals who are aghast at the prospect of serving under him.

God...I haven’t been this concerned since Hootie left the Blowfish.

Amazon doesn’t seem to have the model with the light on it yet. Here’s a link to the manufacturer’s sight. Looks like they may be a Home Depot exclusive.

My bathroom is currently being renovated and it will be great when it’s done. I live in an apartment, but the landlord let me have a bunch of input into it. I never even considered asking for a seat, but now I want one. Sadly, they are about 85% finished and I doubt they would be overjoyed with me asking for one now.…

If you don’t have different countries competing to host every two years, how is the IOC going to justify those huge bribes?

Wasnt there a concept for an Olympic Island similar to this?

I’m a little surprised at the surprise about Philly rolls. Like, Drew’s JUST finding out about them? You can get them in roadside gas stations, for god’s sake; they’re like the cockroaches of the sushi world.

If you’ve never had a shower beer while marinating in steam sitting down in the tub during a shower for like 20 minutes, you are missing out.

Do yourself and everyone else a favor: don’t have children unless you’re just DYING to raise children and be a great parent to them into their adulthood and for as long as you live. Then maybe have just one. The world is chock full of shitty parents who thought they would be okay, or never even thought about it at…

Wait, why is anyone sitting in the shower? Are we sure Charlie didn’t typo and leave an “h” out of the operative word? That would sound more like a Funbag question.

I love it when they advertise a 90-calorie “drink” as “breakfast.” Get the fuck outta here with your 90-calorie “breakfast!” I’ll take the bacon and fried egg for the CHF, please!

I had my son 4 days after my 22nd birthday, and have been grateful ever since.

We secretly laughed at and mocked the couple who had 2 kids by age 21. Now they are out having fun every weekend at age 43 while our little shits are still in middle school.

Eating the whole apple, aside from the stem, is the only way to do it.

only a lunatic would eat the shells of peanuts. I have known people to eat kiwi skins, apple cores, and sunflower shells without thinking it’s weird. I am relatively certain one of these crazed maniacs will kill me in my sleep someday.