Aaaaand I've just deleted the link to The Guardian that I had on my bookmarks bar. Hadn't been reading it much lately anyway: I guess I know why now.

When readers freaked out, the paper changed the phrasing to "let herself be sexually assaulted."

I want to be at that party. And then I want to watch him have a conversation at that party with her:

That is the perfect description. Like, you want to go home with him after the party, but you're about 45% sure he's gonna turn you into a lampshade once you're there.

Whoa, Cumberbatch. He's the guy at the party with the scarily intense anecdotes, and ultra penetrating gaze, where you're kinda turned on, but mostly just wishing your friend would come back from wherever they went.

The real guide:

If you want to get with me you better have read the serious classics. I'm not talking the drivel that they force on you in English Lit either. High-brow, high-class or go home. Examples if you think you can keep up:

I own many classics I haven't / won't read, but its because they're these sexy looking things.

My face went like this.

I would give solid, real gold money to have someone do a voice over of this to a nature documentary or film the corresponding human video of it.

This guy needs a dose of Leslie Knope!

Cool! We can avoid calling or seeing each other for months! We'll communicate by infrequent texts and gifs.

Just curious—so we're done with pants now? Should I go ahead and take mine off, then? I don't want to seem like I'm 'not with it' or 'uncool.' Thanks.

<Light British accent>

If it makes anyone feel any better, my girlfriend is a slob and I'm the one who tends to roam the house with a dust buster. Hooray?

It is the Royal Essence and you better enjoy every last drop.

"My seed is liquid gold and I don't give it out like its god damn tap water."

Clearly, I am not worthy of His Holy Yogurt.

Perhaps this gif is overused but I simply have no words. Good luck with all of that, pal.

Holy Yogurt: Greatest. Band. Name. Ever.