my vagina just shriveled up into my uterus

Last time I checked, that was STATISTICALLY average.

And that is the most useless takeaway one could possibly have from this article, congratulations.

That take needs it's own commercial with Larry the Cable Guy it was so spicy.
WOOP!

buying lottery tickets and not getting killed by tornadoes are what we do best here in Oklahoma...in that order.

I'm playing our daily Pick 3 in hopes of winning a smoke detector. Until then my kids sleep in asbestos pjs with a bucket of weather on their night stands.

The crown is not yours to offer. You haven't had it since 2004.

"without one piece of evidence."

Miko: This is like putting these players through 2 car crashes a week! They don't care about the players, they care about the money!

I nominate Miko Grimes to stand in for all of Marshawn Lynch's press conferences.
All in favor?

That's why you post a video in your Facebook feed, Russ, then nobody from the NFL will ever see it.

The league's security apparatus sure is quick and thorough on such important matters.

"But I wanna say that my wife has dated broke black dudes. It got nothing to do with the money."

Yeah, the whole first half of the bible is basically, "worship God or die. Painfully."
Of course, it's the second half that then comes around to the "don't be an asshole" idea, but that's more of an expansion pack, not the original.

Well goddammit. There goes my bet in the Last State to Recognize Gay Marriage pool. If I'd only gotten there a little sooner, I could have chosen Mississippi or Texas, but someone else beat me to it.

Best Buy has nothing to do with it. Look at the steps they actually took unlike Amazon. Best Buy at least cancelled duplicate orders whereas Amazon didn't give a fuck how many you ordered. So how about you go fuck yourself for ordering multiple units and screwing other people.

"Was planning on keeping one on the shelf and using the other regularly"

I'm amazed and appalled that the female guard was so on board with this insanity. I like, she also thought it was reasonable to have to look at this woman's genitalia? She couldn't have let her show her the pad and be done with it?

If that's considered being an animal, I don't want to be human.

I would have stuck my fingers in my vagina and painted fuck you with period blood on the wall, but I'm an animal.