“I don’t immediately jump to molesting her. I wait 10 years. But so we’re clear, I’ve called dibs on that.”

“Schilling starts out by proclaiming that it’s totally normal for adults to remark on the physical appearance of their friends’ kids”

I was on Jeopardy about 10 years ago. He’s short and too tan and wears sleeveless shirts to eat lunch. Real fucking jabroni.

And despite all this, they’re still paying their players more than the NFL’s minor league system.

Curt hasn’t been this invested in a trainwreck since 38 Studios.

“Don’t rope me into this, dad!”

That is literally the same excuse some ultraconservative Salafist/Wahhabist might give. Although I imagine the people who’d flip out over that are somehow okay with this.

It works on so many levels. Three. Three levels.

“Jesus Christ, you guys.”

If this is what your religion teaches / preaches, your religion sucks.

Title Nein

I don’t remember the whole team, but waaaaay back in the day, I used to imagine me and Darth Vader teaming up to fight those assholes who kept teasing me at recess.

LMAO at some of those old-timey ass baseball players on your old team, Barry. I mean, seriously: Bartolo Colon?

Don’t be sad. Harambe would've wanted it this way. He loved low hanging fruit.

These people are running it into the ground. Talk about beating a dead gorilla.

You know who can’t feel sad anymore? Har....

Harambe loved Skyline Chili

LAWYER: You can never go back to Brazil.
Lochte: Man, but I really enjoyed Europe!